Family Ties That Bind

The amazing thing about family is that no matter what you do they are always just that .. family. I know that not every family is like that but I've been thankful that I was raised that way. My brother has done many things over the years to make me angry, that I didn't think were right, and that I didn't agree with .. but he is still my blood and still my brother.

I've always heard the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone" but this week adjusted that bit of wisdom for me. It would be more along the lines of "you don't know how much someone means to you until you see them wronged." I won't go into details but this week something happened to my brother that I considered a very big injustice. Something that landed him in jail, something that could result in him losing his son, his stepchilden and his fiance'. Something that my Father could have just as easily landed in jail for countless times, and something that with our opinions on the subject both Brian and I could end up in jail for.

I don't have my head in the sand regarding my brother .. I know what his wrongs have been in the past. If there is one compliment which I can bestow upon him however it is that he is a wonderful Father. Not only to his own son Beau, but also to the two childen to whom he has been a stepfather to for 3+ years. He was scared enough being in jail but when I had to tell him last night that the Mother of his son was filing for full custody, for no apparant reason and while he was where he couldn't fight it, I watched his spirit visibly break. I've never seen that kind of pain come from my brother, not even when our Father died, and it broke my heart. I found myself laying awake last night because all I could see was the hurt that was etched into his face as he faced the possibility of losing his son.

That was all I had the heart to tell him. I left everything else out that was going on while he was away from us because I wanted him to keep some reason to go on built up inside him. Mom and I promised him that we would fight for Beau, help him fight, and that's the truth .... but sometimes just words don't help. Seeing the pain inflicted upon my brother by someone who claimed to care about him and love him brought out the Motherly instinct in me, despite the fact that he is not my child.

I've felt so fiercely protective of him the last few days that I've wanted to reach out and physically harm anyone that I thought was out do to things not in his best interest. Those who were passing the blame onto him even though they were just as at fault and well aware of what was going on, if not in this instance then surely in the past. Those who covered their own ass and as he tried to dig himself out of this hole did nothing but grab and throw shovel after shovel full of dirt onto him.

I know if my Father were alive he would be beyond livid. Not only because he would think that Justin being arrested was wrong, but he would be angry that Justin was not concerned with taking care of himself and instead worried about a woman. I've always known that I loved my brother simply because he is my brother. I realized how much these last few days as I watched what was going on around him.

Angry as he may make me at times we are still blood and I would fight for him to the death. The same goes for his precious little son, my nephew Beau, who is also my blood. In times of struggle the family ties that bind do not weaken, they simply knot tighter and bring you together to protect the weakest in the pack. A family protects its own no matter the monetary or emotional cost. A family fights for each other until there is no fight left in the last remaining member. A family comes together and does not give up .. that is why we will fight.

Baby Ticker

I forgot to check my ticker this week (it changes each Sunday). Brian and I have been sitting here all day looking at my feet - I've had them up most of the day and yesterday but it isn't helping. There is almost no line between my upper foot and my toes - my ankles are non existant. My husband told me this morning I look like I have elephantitis - nice huh? :0)

So I get on to check my ticker and it says, "Thanks to the joys of water retention mommy is probably bemoaning her newly found "cankles."

Ummmm, yeah. Can't wait to see what tomorrow says.

How far along? 32 Weeks & 3 Days

Total weight gain/loss: Same as it was before - I weigh exactly the same as I did the day I found out I was prego. BUT I did lose 10 lbs from morning sickness that I've gained back.

Maternity clothes? I think that maternity pants are a true gift from God - I wish I could wear them the rest of my life. Soooo comfy. Still wearing my normal tops.

Sleep: Not so great - The last 2 weeks I can't sleep on my back as I like to because then I can't breathe. I've taken to sleeping on my back but propped up with 2-3 pillows.

Best moment this week: Dr. telling me that she thinks Jacob won't be a BIG baby - he'll be average or on the smaller side of the scale (but still healthy).

Movement: A whole lot...

Food cravings: Milk and sweets.

Gender: It's a BOY!

Labor Signs: Nada - though I wish if he could come now, healthy, he'd come - it would get me out of doing end of year paperwork while the boss is on vacation hehe!

Belly Button in or out? In - looks the same as always.

Stretchmarks? No more than before pregnancy LOL

What I am looking forward to: Maternity Leave! Sleeping on my back! Being able to breathe!

Weekly Wisdom: ? I'm far to young to be wise :0)

Milestones: I'm offically uncomfortable and feel like I'm carrying the weight of a bowling ball in my lower stomach - does that count?

Dating and Teenagers .. Er, I Mean Parents

I met a gentleman friend of my Mother's on Tuesday night. This is someone that she is interested in dating and seems to like and he drove up from San Jose (about 2 hours from us) to meet her, Nonnie, and the rest of the family. He seems to be a very nice man, he is a retired police officer who has been a widow for a little over a year. He is currently raising his two grandchildren as his daughter and her husband passed away two months before his wife did and they had decided to obtain custody. If nothing else I feel that in itself speaks very highly of his character. Also important to me, he is a Christian.

It was a little bit odd meeting someone who is interested in my Mother. I felt like a parent meeting their teenagers first date. To be quite honest it does sting a little bit to think of my Mother dating - but that doesn't mean I am not supportive of it. I realize that my Father would want my Mom to be happy - he's been gone almost two and a half years - and he would not want her to be alone for the rest of her life. I know that he told her he wanted her to attempt to move on with someone else when she felt she was ready and I'm sure when faced with his own mortality that wasn't an easy conversation to have. It's one thing to say that to someone when your 35, full of life, healthy and in the middle of a hypothetical conversation - it's quite another when you realize you may be gone within weeks.

I told someone I work with today that it was also interesting to see what he would look like. Obviously I wasn't around when my Mother was younger and dated. The only "type" I'd ever seen that she had was my Father. Dad was tall, thin but not lanky, and had a great sense of humor. I'm not sure how tall Larry is because he was sitting the whole time, but he is slightly chubby and chunkier than Dad, gray hair and a goatee. It was just interesting to see what else my Mom may find attractive.

I know that it will be a process of acceptance and it's harder when you can't sit and talk with your best friend (in my case my Mother) because the issue involves them. I know that my Mom would understand what I was trying to say but I don't ever want her to hesitate at trying to live her life because of the effect it may have on her children. I know my Brother and I both feel the same because we've discussed it -we both want her to move on and be happy - but it still kind of hurts to think of Mom with someone else. One benefit to our ages is that at least we're old enough that if someone hurts my Mom I can voice my opinion to them and then proceed to kick their bottom :0)

Speaking of my brother - Beau is growing fast. He's now 4 months old.


Brian and I got our Christmas present from my boss today. An invitation to dinner at his home hosted by he and his wife at their home. Also invited are my Director of Sales and his wife. I've waited for this invitation for almost 3 years. It read:
>"Please join Brad and Robin as their guests for dinner on Sunday, January 24th at 6:00pm. The evening will feature a special menu prepared at Syrah Restaurant and paired with DeVero Farms and Winery Wines."em>

I love my husband. However, he has at times made me raise my eyebrows in a very nice restaurant at his etiquette or the way he holds his fork etc. etc. As excited as I am about this invitation I'm just as nervous. This is my boss, and my career. When I told my husband about the invitation and told him Brad was doing wine pairings he made me cringe when he asked if it would be rude for him to bring a 6 pack of beer.

Oh well, I've got a month to approach the subject of how, on this one evening, I need him to fake his way through a very nice dinner. That's a hard subject to bring up without being offending - what's funny is his parents are caterers and one would think that he would know these things. Sip, don't chug wine. This fork is for that salad. Don't hold your fork like your going to reenact Psycho. Don't make a pig of yourself .. I'll take you to Jack In The Box later. :0)

Blessing or Curse

Sometimes I think to myself that God played a cruel joke by making the girl who NEVER cries pregnant. Now I have no choice but to let it out when my body gets the best of me and my emotions run rampant. Hence my husband waking up at 4:30am this morning to find me blubbering like a fool, crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Sometimes I dream about my Dad but lately they are more vivid (like all of my dreams). This morning I had a dream where myself, Brian and Mom were at Stonewall Baptist Church and for some reason Dad stood up to speak to the congregation about wishing the local high school luck at their basketball game that afternoon. I hadn't even realized that he was there because he wasn't sitting with us and he was up in the front pew. That's hilarious because A - Dad would never make a speech like that at church and B - Dad wasn't a huge basketball fan. Anyway, dreams are dreams right? In this dream though he just seemed SO very real. His voice was as clear as a bell, his mannerisms were right, everything was like he was still alive.

At the end of the dream he put his arm around me, gave me a little hug and handed me his leather coat. I laughed and asked why he wanted me to carry it for him when he could wear it and he replied, "I don't need a leather coat in Heaven, Sissy - I'm dead remember?" I realize how silly it sounds but I woke up and remembered that he was passed - and after almost 2 1/2 years of him being passed it seemed fresh again. Just because for a moment in my dream it had been like he was back and the whole thing had been a bad dream.

I thought that it was getting better and the urge to cry or the sense of loss had eased the last several months. Now, Mom is about to start dating again (as of this next week) and I find myself thinking of Dad more and more. I want my Mother to be happy, and I'm well aware that my Father would want the same thing. He would want her to meet someone who treats her well and wouldn't want her alone for the rest of her life, but I must admit that it stings a little bit when I think of it. I know in time that will ease but for the moment I have a hard time with it (especially since I can't talk about it with my best friend - my Mom - without feeling like I'm laying a guilt trip on her).

On that note perhaps I will be able to sleep again if I go try. Here's hoping the dreams stay away.

It's Me Again ..

I've been working a lot, moving, doing many things that kept me from updated. Ok, let's face it I've just been lazy. I haven't had a lot to write about but that never really stopped me before.

Brian and I have officially moved and are loving the new place, small though it is. This weekend we should be done unpacking boxes and I can start decorating Jacob's room as I want to - I'm so excited.

We've been sticking to our (ok, MY) Dave Ramsey plan for the last few months and it feels like we are finally getting our feet under us financially. I know that Brian really feels like I've got a noose around his neck but I want things to go smoothly when Jacob arrives and when my pay takes a drastic cut from maternity leave. This morning he got a call regarding a check we have been waiting for from his Worker's Comp. company - basically they cut him a check based on what percentage his Dr. says he will be permenantly disabled due to his injury. 4% was the number the doctor gave.

4% = about $2,350. MERRY CHRISTMAS! That money will do many things for us:

1. Pay both his registration and my registration which are late and I have been struggling to get caught up on.
2. Pay off 3 debts entirely and have us 100% caught up on all other bills.
3. Start a savings/college fund account for Jacob before he is even born (this was a big priority for me but I just didn't see how I was going to be able to make it happen).
4. Still give Brian $500 for Christmas shopping (dare I say I might get a good gift this year? hehe)

I've already finished my Christmas shopping other than his grill on layaway. I feel such a load off of my shoulders and I feel so at ease. It was also nice that when I got out of the shower this morning Brian had already figured out what could be paid, remembered that I wanted Jacob to have a college fund, and rather than just BLOW the money had made some mature decisions. It seems like all of my budgeting talk may be seeping in despite what I previously though!

It's Been Awhile ....

It has been awhile since I updated and I really don't have a good excuse. Life happened. The following is what has been going on:

1. We're moving .. again. The 37 stairs up into the house and the complete lack of insolation freezing me out at night got to me in the later months of pregnancy. We're moving into a new place a few miles down the road. I'm a little sad because I won't be as close to Mom, I can't run across the street at night when Brian is at work and I get lonley. Still, it should be good.

We are actually moving into a trailer (insert trailer trash jokes here) but I'm excited. It's amall but it's soooo light! White walls everywhere! A babies room I can decorate! I can hardly contain myself!

2. I had a great trip to Mississippi. I didn't want to come home at all (this seemed to offend some of my in laws) but it's a fact. Since Dad died, and now that I am going to be a Mom, I find myself wanting to be around extended family more. I want Jacob to know his Southern roots and where he comes from.

3. Yes, I said Jacob above. His name has changed again :0) Back to the original choice actually .. Brian hated Luke.

4. Half of my office is down with the swine flu. I had my H1N1 shot yesterday at my appointment and am also now on Tamiflu to prevent me from catching it before the vaccine becomes effective.

5. I had a hurtful comment left on my blog today by someone I don't know. It was meant to be deliberatley hurtful so of course I didn't post it, nor did I respond. It reminded me of several friends who blog commenting in the past on people who left those types of comments .. it disappointed me in myself that I knew this person was doing this to get a rise out of me .. but I still let it hurt my feelings.

6. I've really missed blogging! I'll try to be more on it!