Crazy Bride, Crazy Wife

ReBirth

2012-02-11T23:14:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I've been lagging on the blog lately. I'm making a promise here to begin blogging at least once a week again. I've got a ton to write about, and lately I seem to be an insomniac, so why not. I've got an adorable toddler that I can go on and on about, my life is changing every 5 minutes, and let's face it I love to share my business more than anyone cares to know it.

Christmas

2011-12-24T08:45:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at my desk at work on Christmas Eve, trying to pull myself out of this funk I seem to be in. I've been off of my Prozac for over a month and I thought I was doing quite well and didn't need it any longer, but I'm realizing now I've been masking a lot. I've been moving and going so much that I haven't had time to be depressed. That's not a bad thing, but now that the holiday is here and I won't have Jacob I'm in a slump again. I find I'm posting on Facebook a lot again but it's mostly because I'm reaching out due to boredom and loneliness.

It all started yesterday when Brian told me he got into a fight with his Mom about Christmas dinner because I had said on Facebook that they weren't having one (which is what he told me). Why this mattered I'm not certain, but apparantley it was a big enough issue to cause a large argument. It really ruined my good holiday mood, and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I guess I need to accept that my relationship with these people that I've cared so much about for 8 years is over. I can't say what I want to which is don't resent me, if you had any idea half of the things your son did over the last several years you wouldn't blame me for leaving. But the fact is I can't say that, and they would probably blame me anyway because it's a Mother's inclination to protect her child.

If we didn't have a child together I'd pack my things and leave. Divorce, even when your the one who initiates it, is a hard thing and despite trying to be cheery and upbeat it's breaking me down. We did our 2nd set of paperwork the other day and our divorce will be final on April 12th unless something drastic happens. Brian's told me he was going to go to therapy but he hasn't moved forward with that and at this point I think that's the only thing that would have any chance of changing my mind.

People tell me one day I'll look back and this won't hurt so much. I wonder how long that takes.

It's Official ..

2011-12-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

If nothing else, Brian and I sure to make pretty babies. I had a photo shoot done with his babysitter Crystal, so Brian will have some more pictures of Jake for his new house. These are some of my favorites.

Update

2011-12-05T23:05:00.000-08:00

This week I moved into my new place. Jake and I are living with my childhood best friend, Rainie, in a new place just a few blocks from my Mom. I don't know if it's a direct result of the move/divorce, or if it's his double ear infection, but Jake has taken to not going to bed until almost 12:00am. He is then up around 7:30-8:00am. One night I had to take him into bed with me to get him to go to sleep, but I don't want him to be in that habit. I just want my baby boy to be happy and healthy and get thru this.

Uncharted Territory

2011-10-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

Brian and I are officially getting divorced. The papers have been filed, I've found a place to live as of December, and we've started the conversations about how things should be divided and how custody should work. So far we've managed to stay quite adult about the whole situation.

I've heard it said that divorce is like a death and now I can see why. Even when your the one who initiates it the emotional roller coaster is intense. It's hard to always be second guessing yourself and hoping that your making the right choice for yourself and for your child.

It's also hard when you don't hate the person that your splitting with. If I had some kind of intense anger to focus on maybe that would make this easier, I'm not sure. It's also hard because when many of my friends didn't like Brian, I drifted more towards his friends. Now, the large majority of my friends are the people who have been Brian's friend's since childhood. As people take sides I know the choice that will be made, I've already had one experience of that in this short week since we've slowly let people know we are splitting up.

As a good friend told me the other night when I visited her, our true friends won't feel obligated to choose between us. They will understand that this is between Brian and I and it shouldn't effect the friendships we have individually with people. Unfortunatley I don't think it will end up that way.

This really is like a death. Loss of friendships, the loss of an extended family that has also been mine for 8 years, and the end of a marriage. I just hope that God gives me the strength to survive.

Update

2011-10-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

Lots of things going on lately! I'm still in a great mood even though my life is changing on a daily basis. Jacob and Beau are both growing up so fast - the picture above is the photo shoot we had done for Beau's 2 year and Jacob's 18 month birthdays.

In the last week and a half Jacob has been practicing going potty and is doing very well. What's funny is that when we started it was really just to get him accustomed to it and comfortable. He's taking to it very well though so hopefully soon we have several days off where we can dedicate more time to teaching him. I love my little boy and he's just so smart!

Happy Days

2011-09-18T18:10:00.000-07:00

So I've been having a pretty hard time the last few months with work stress, marital stress, and depression. I've touched on that topic breifly here, that I felt lost and like I was struggling to find where I belonged. The depression issue has been going on for awhile but with everything going on with Brian and I it just seemed to be getting worse. I finally decided that I needed to stop being ashamed, and ask for help if I needed it. My thoughts were taking a dark turn and I want to be happy and healthy for my son. So I made the call.

I've been on Prozac now for about 3 weeks, and the change I feel in myself it amazing. I knew that I was depressed and had been for a few months, but I didn't realize just how bad it had gotten. The medication has not only brought me out of that haze, but also brought out even more of myself that had been gone so long I didn't remember it. As I slowly "came back" I realized .. wow, I forgot this Tara even exisited.

I don't know where I got lost. Even now that my head is clear I can't pinpoint when something snapped and I changed. It was before Jake was born, it was before Dad passed away (4 years) and before he got sick. I think it's probably been 7-8 years, shortly after I started dating Brian. So now I am left with sorting out my thoughts of if those two things are connected. I still don't know the answer, but at least as I'm trying to find it I'll know I can think with a clear head, not clouded by depression.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

2011-07-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

I've been home for a few days and I don't want to go back. This is where I belong and I'm ready to be back. I want Jacob raised here. No more putting it off, this is what's best and it's what it's time for. I've been looking for houses and today I found what I really feel is to be our home. See: http://www.forsalebyowner.com/listing/8EER1

I'm waiting to hear from the bank on Monday before an offer is actually placed on the home to avoid disappointment on both sides. Any prayers that you can offer for the pieces of this puzzle to fall into place would be greatly appreciated. I'm ready to come home.

Uneasy

2011-07-23T16:34:00.000-07:00

I was looking at a blog that I read quite often and saw that my favorite blogger is pregnant. Her son, Knox, is a few weeks older than Jacob is. I was very happy for her, and then slightly overcome with sadness.

Things in my life are slightly up in the air at the moment. As you know divorce has been filed for but we're still attending marriage counseling and trying to make this work. We've talked about moving to Mississippi to try and start fresh away from everything, without me working, and away from the stress of my job that constantly comes between family time.

If there is anything I'd like in this world it would be for us to work out and have another baby. There have been about 15 different times where I've almost said to Brian, "I'm sorry. Forget it, I can't do this divorce." But I haven't uttered the words. I know that my husband has flaws, and I know that I do to. I also know what my faith tells me about divorce .. and I know that I want Jacob to have the family that I had growing up.

So everything remains up in the air ....

Mr. Mischief

2011-07-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

Jacob is now getting into EVERYTHING! This picture is a perfect example. I came out of the shower yesterday to find him on my end table trying to get to his favorite toy - light switches. He had climbed onto the couch, over the arm, onto the table, and though the picture doesn't show it, was trying to climb onto the aquarium.

I love my son but Wow! How in the world would I ever handle two?

Crazy

2011-07-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

The doctor gave me an anti anxiety med .. it drives me crazy, I'm so exhausted and in general am just numb. I still have no idea what I'm doing but I'm scared. I'm so tempted to move to Mississippi and start over with my family. I don't want to lose my family and I want Jacob to have a good life. I've never been so scared in my life. For once my decisions dont effect just me.

Changes

2011-07-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

I filed for divorce yesterday. I sat in the parking lot and cried for 20 minutes after I did it. I almost changed my mind while I was standing at the window and handing the clerk my papers. I have no idea if I made the right decision.

Brian is fighting hard to get me to stay .. to show me that things would be different if I did. He's even offered to move to Mississippi before the end of the year if I felt that would make me happier. That got my attention obviously as I always swore I'd move back home. But I fear that if I did do that, in 6 months we could be right back where we are and going thru the pain of this decision again.

The thing is, and I've yet to say this outloud, I don't know if I was wrong. Wrong to think that all of my unhappiness was Brian's fault because of things that have transpired during our marriage that I couldn't forgive. Now, I'm in a place where I can't tell if my current unhappiness and melancholy is part of the divorcing roller coaster, or if maybe I'm more depressed than I realized. If it's more me - how do I fix me when I don't even know where to start? Or why I feel this way? Or what made me this way? I just miss being happy.

In counseling I've realized a lot of things about myself that I never opened my eyes and saw before. I fully accept blame for the things that I've done in this marriage to contribute to its falling apart. He does the same. I'm more confused than I've ever been in my life. I feel like I'm ruining Jake's life and he's so young. I feel like my Father is looking down on me and frowning because he didn't believe in divorce.

So the roller coaster keeps moving along, and I still have no idea if I'm making the right decision ....

Update

2011-06-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on right now that I haven't had time to update. Jake had to have an EEG but the results came back normal. This was after a really bad night terror in which one of his arms went limp and one side of his mouth was drawn. It was the scariest moment ever of Mommyhood so far.

My job has gone from being my "escape" that I enjoyed going to being a place that I no long enjoy. With the changes that have happened the last few months I no longer enjoy my job at all, and I am largely still there for my coworkers. Well, that and I can't have to much upheveal in my career, until I know exactly what is going on in my personal life.

As you can see my blog is kind of all over the place tonight, but that's the way that my brain has been working lately. I'm like a kid with ADHD who can't focus on one topic for long. There are so many different things that I'm working on that I can't get any single item processed.

I'm just hoping that my prayers will be answered and God will show me the right path that I'm supposed to be taking. The path that is right for myself and my son.

More Changes

2011-05-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

Jake has had a few night terrors 2-3 times since he was a baby. He would wake up screaming and be inconsolable so we would just hold him and let him cry it out until it passed. Typically he would then go right back to sleep. About a week ago he had another one but more symptoms as well.

I had been asleep, Brian was up so I thought he would be able to soothe him. I heard him crying and not seeming to settle down. I got up and went to take him from Brian. He was crying as he does during these, but when I took him out into the light to attempt and wake him I realized one of his arms was just hanging, and the bottom of his mouth on the same side was also drawn. It reminded me of a stroke victim, and his body was stiff as a board. By the time I got prepared to call 911, it had passed.

He went back to sleep and went to bed, but I kept thinking about it. The next day I asked Brian to please call the Doctor and we took him in. The doctor said that it could have been either a really bad night terror or he could have had a seizure. They wanted to do an EEG to see if that was the case and we had that done on Wednesday. Now, we are awaiting the results.

Last night Jacob and I had to get up at 4:30am and go into my work. I think that was the final straw for me and I'll be actively looking for a new job now. I know that it's part of my job, and that I'm salary so there really is no "off time" but now that I have a family and a son it's so irritating that I have no time to myself.

It's hard to let go because I've worked so hard to get where I am in my career. I've worked my way up from being a front desk agent and then went into the sales department. I am finally the Assistant General Manager, one step down from where I want to be, and it look like I won't ever reach that goal. But I have to do what's best for Jake, and that's not being dragged out of his crib at 4:30 in the morning to go stand at the front desk of a hotel while Mommy works.

I'm not even sure if I'll end up working in a hotel. I guess as a desk agent I wouldn't get called at all hours but I'd rather have a job with set hour and a set schedule if possible. I'm sure that I will take a pay cut but again, Jacob needs to come first. As long as I'm making enough to support him then we'll be fine .... right?

God Bless America

2011-05-01T21:39:00.000-07:00

Osama Bin Laden is dead. It's not often that I would find the death of someone a good thing, but this news break made me emotional. I'm not sure why, perhaps my friends in the miliary and their hard work, or those friends I love who are married to soliders. It's a great day for America.

I realize their work isn't done, but at least it feels like a victory for those who are working so hard to bring this war to an end. I really wasn't sure this day would ever come.

Jacob's 1st Birthday Party

2011-02-22T12:35:00.000-08:00

This was Jacob's favorite "toy" and the best way to track him. All we had to do was look for the balloon floating between the tables!

I was so thankful that some of my childhood friends came out to the party. I've really needed people lately that I feel like "get me" and know the real me. Karen and her husband Eddie brought their daughter Addison, and my best friend Catherine drove from Utah to be here.

The inside of the Hollydale club where we set up the party and the ballpark food. Because it was a baseball/A's theme we did ballpark food .. hamburgers, hot dogs, nachos and peanuts.

Jake with his cake. We got a cake before the guest list grew and this was it. Later we decided to add the cupcake "cake" below for the kids to just grab and go.

Jacob's first birthday party had me running around like a CRAZZZYYY person! Because of rain, his 1 year photoshoot was rescheduled for Sunday morning at 9:45. His party was at 1:00pm and I didn't get back with him until 12:00. Thank heavens for my best friend Catherine and my in-laws getting there early to setup. Here are some pictures from the day. It was worth the stress, despite the fact I was often near tears from things I didn't think I was going to get done .. felt a lot like my wedding day!

Happiness Search

2011-02-01T17:08:00.000-08:00

I want to be happy. I was sitting at my desk today and thinking about this emotion called happiness. Thinking about how it feels, how it gives me little butterflies in my tummy, and how it brightens my day. I realized, that with the exception of Jake, that feeling is a memory for me lately. I am not happy. I'd go so far as to say I'm miserable.

I don't want to be that way. I feel like I'm a downer. So, what's missing from my life that I am seeking? I'm not sure but I think I need to start with my faith. I finally moved forward with changing churches because I don't feel that mine is giving me what I need. I stuck with it for so long because it was the church that I was raised in, and the church where my Father went. This weekend I tried a new Baptist church and while I don't feel it's for me it was a nice experience. Next weekend I am going with one of my coworkers to a difference church to hear her speak and see how that experience is.

I've become lazy in this area of my life and I can't do that to Jake. It is my job to lead him in his walk and that is important to me. I just hope that I am able to find a nice church, get settled in, and not keep jumping around before something seems to "click."

First Pro Cut

2011-01-31T11:47:00.000-08:00

Jacob got his first professional haircut on Friday. We went to a place in Petaluma called Lions, Tigers and Hair that specializes in children. He was wonderful - it made me angry :0) After several cuts at home with tears and screaming and one person holding his face still while the other tried to trim, not a tear was shed at the salon. Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

They also offered all little girls some glitter or little boys some color - I, of course, chose A's colors. He looked so adorable and grown up.

Next obstacle? Weening him from his pacifier (which I swore I'd take away at 3 months. Oppps!)

Stupid People

2011-01-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how people are stupid when it comes to Facebook. They forget conversations aren't private and that others can see what is being commented on. Case in point: the two different comments my husband has made over the course of the last few weeks blatently flirting with a 20 something female. Livid doesn't even begin to describe.

Jacob's First Christmas

2010-12-27T11:36:00.000-08:00

Jacob's first Christmas was a success. I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful little boy. Mind you, there are often times when he has me pulling my hair out, but I guess being bald would be worth it for him :0)

We spent Christmas Eve at my Grandma's, as well has having Christmas dinner there, but Christmas morning we were with Brian's family. It was nice to feel like the family was so large, and it's nice to see Jacob so loved by those here, and by my family from far away who haven't even met him.

Jacob and Beau both got little Cars suitcases from Aunt Carole in Mississippi to take with them when we go in March. Jacob got a Hokey Pokey Elmo that he loves from his Godmother (and my cousin) Kim also from Mississippi. It's funny how much it warms your heart to see your children loved by family. It's nice to know that he will always have Aunts, Uncles and Cousins surrounding him.

Christmas Stress

2010-12-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas. I've been a bit sad the last few days and I'm disappointed in myself for that. Usually it's one of my favorite times of year, and it's Jake's first Christmas, so I should be in even better spirits. This year though I'm really missing my Dad. I'm regretting that he isn't here for Jake's first Christmas, or that he isn't here to see Beau's second.

I'm working 10-11 hours a day, I go home to a baby who is fussy at night now, and I am up until about 11 because he refuses to sleep. I haven't had time to wrap all of the gifts and Brian doesn't seem capable of assisting so I'm just frustrated. Last night found me sitting in the middle of the living room floor, crying because I was at my wits end, and not sure what to do. Jake was just staring at me and wondering if Mommy had lost her mind.

I don't know how single Mom's do it. I love him so much but wow is this motherhood thing so much more hard work than I ever imagined. I wouldn't trade it for anything but it gives me new respect for my Mother and all of the Mother's before me. How this young girls on MTV with kids pull it off is completely beyond me. I'm 30 and I want to pull my hair out! :0)

Fears

2010-11-27T22:25:00.001-08:00

Once, when I was in my early 20's, I dated someone who I thought I would marry. I was head over heels in love, moved to Montana to be with him, and it all fell apart. It was one of those things where you think, "I can't live without this person," and then you tempt fate one to many times and God decides to show you - yes, you can live without them. And I have. I've never felt a love like that again until now.

I love my son so much that the thought of something happening to him cripples me with fear. I don't know why but occasionally a scenerio runs thru my head if I've heard something on the news, or a story elsewhere, and my heart almost stops. For that instant I'm afraid something has happened to him, that I'll have to show I'd survive that to, and life would go on. It makes me feel crazy, and I hate it. I love him so much and I have no idea what I'd ever do if he wasn't here with me.

9 Months Old

2010-11-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

At Jacob's 9 month appointment today he was 21 lbs 7 ounces, and 29 inches long. Oh my word, my baby is almost 2 1/2 feet tall! How did this happen? Just a moment ago it seems he was kicking me from inside my tummy.

He's growing so fast, getting a little personality, and I love it. His 3rd tooth broke thru this morning - this time on the top. In 4 months we go to Mississippi and I can't wait for everyone to meet him and for him to see where he will be raised. It's going to be the best trip I've had home in a long time: I will have my son with me AND I'll get to spend my birthday at home around long distance family. The last time I did that I was 8. So happy ....

Jake the Fish-O-Holic

2010-10-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

My name is Jake and I am a fish-o-holic. Momma realized that my attention span had grown when I started watching the fireplace at night. The movement of the flames and the bright colors really hold my attention.

My Mom kind of has these spur of the moment, wild ideas and last weekend she decided I might like looking at an aquarium also. She was nervous because when I was 1 week old I had a little goldfish named Luke. I didn't take very good care of him and now he's in Heaven with my Papaw Stan. Anyway, now I have 4 fish. The dalmation fish is called Spot since I can't have a dog. The Molly fish is called Toofer since that's what Daddy keeps asking me if that's what I have. "Do you have a toofer? Do you have a toofer?" I'm not sure he knows how to say tooth so don't mention it ok? The other two are plain ole goldfish that look exactly the same so we just call them One and Two.

Anyway, here's a pic of my new pets. They have lived a almost week so far! Mom says soon I can get a few more if these stay healthy!

Many Thoughts ....

2010-10-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

This will be a big post of babble:

1. What kind of camera do you use? I just got a new camera but it is still not shooting like I want it to. Often Jacob still ends up blurred and the pictures aren't crisp.

2. I think there's a big life change coming for Jacob and I but I'm scared. I'm afraid I won't make the right choice for him, I'm afraid I am to big a chicken, and I'm afraid of what the long term effect will be.

3. I miss my Dad. Right now, I need him. My mother is great, very supportive and always there for me but I need them both. One on each side to support me right now.

4. I think it's time to start church shopping. Just not happy in that aspect of my life and I want Jacob actively involved. I just have no idea where to even start.

5. When I'm unhappy I gain weight. Right now I must be REALLY unhappy because it's attracted to me like a magnet (weight that is).

6. See, I told you .. babble.

Photoshoot of the Boys

2010-10-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, first let me say that I've decided I have some sort of unhealthy love bug living inside of me. Most of those who read my blog are parents so I know you understand how I feel about my son Jake. The thing is, I love my nephew Beau almost as much. If anything ever happened to his parents I'd be happy to take him in a heartbeat, and some of the things that have happened to him in his short life just break my heart.

I love both boys so much that it makes me emotional. It also breaks my heart to think about us moving to Mississippi in 2 years because I know the boys won't grow up together after that. Anyway, for Christmas I booked a photo session for both of the boys. We go get their pictures taken often but I am just sick of pull down screens. I wanted outdoors, sun, flowers - so of course it rained. Still, I think our photographer did a good job considering the weather. Here are a few of my favorites (some are on Facebook but I couldn't share them all because Christmas is coming!)

Cut It Out!

2010-09-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

Jake after his first haircut. He doesn't look like my baby anymore - he's a little boy!

Mrs. Doubtfire .. Or Not!

2010-09-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

So Brian and I recently made the decision to expand our family in an odd way - we're hiring a part time nanny. We actually looked into getting an au pair because it was so cost effective but our house just isn't big enough and to be honest it feels a little to much like trying to get someone else to raise our child. I would, however, have loved the opportunity for Jake to have time being raised by someone who also spoke another language.

We're starting out with 2 days a week. The girl we've chosen to hire is named Crystal, she just graduated from Brigham Young, and seems to be a very upstanding girl with a good moral background. She's family oriented which is important to me, and I also discussed with her how important it was to me that Jake's time with his caregiver be with someone who understood as he gets older I want him raised properly and with good manners. Someone who would take the time to backup what Brian and I will be teaching him about please, thank you, yes ma'am, and no ma'am etc.

We looked into a place like Kindercare but they close at 6:30pm. When we did the tour Jake was amazed at all of the other kids but it just didn't seem like it was going to work for us time management wise. I'd be paying the same that we will be paying Crystal but picking Jake up around 6:00pm, taking him to his Grandma's (and hoping she was available!), going back to work for an hour, and then going to pick him up again. Stupid. So for now, this is the route we're taking.

Mind you I would have LOVED to hire the woman who responded to our ad and also offered grocery shopping, house cleaning, and dinner on the table when I got home (she had a private chef background). But I don't need Mrs. Doubtfire and if I could afford the $1400 a month she wanted .. well, I'd just stay home myself.

I'm hoping this works out! Jake really seemed to like her the small time he got to interact with her and Beau liked her to - let's hope they are good judges of character!

Job Offers - Or Lack Of ....

2010-08-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

We're waiting for Brian to hear back from his Whole Foods interview. They told him it may take a week or two because they wanted to hire the supervisors first.

I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting. I'm tired of him working 6p-3a. I never see my husband, I never sleep because of Jake, I can't ever seem to focus on my homework. I feel like a single woman with a baby .. and it SUCKS!

Letter to my Father

2010-08-15T05:04:00.001-07:00

“Diddy“,

August 15, 2010. It’s been 3 years since you left us and so much has changed. I still miss you, think of you each and every day. I miss you laughing so hard that you couldn’t speak and turning bright red. I miss you finding something so funny you’d shake your head, and rub your hand back and forth over your eyes - Mom noticed after you left that I do the same thing. I miss how tight your arms could squeeze me when you would hug me before going to work. I miss your homemade soup and cornbread, and your BBQ - oh goodness I miss your BBQ.

Some things have happened since you went away that I never would have expected. To Mom, to Justin, to myself. We’re a stronger family than I ever realized - we just keep plugging along and moving forward. Things have happened in the last few years that hurt me deeper than I thought they could - but I stuck it out, stayed true to my beliefs, and now we have a son. A beautiful, wonderfully happy little boy named Jacob Robert Ransom Hooven. He keeps me busy - he’s the reason that for the last 6 months I haven’t still cried everyday over something making me miss you again. Sometimes I wonder if the thought of you will ever again not bring with it a weight on my chest, and the heavy burden of grief.

I’ve told Justin that I feel like you know our sons - they are so perfect for each of our personalities that you must have picked them from Heaven and sent them for us. Both boys love to laugh, have big, wonderful smiles, and Beau is a HUGE ball of energy just like his father. Being a parent is so much more than I ever imagined and I realize now just how your felt at certain times during my life. I realize how much it really did break your heart to see me cry, or to have my heart broken. Jacob is only a year old and just his frown breaks my heart a little. Being a parent has opened my eyes to so many things you must have felt for the 27 years I was your daughter.

I understand more now why you and Auntie were so very close. I’m older now, our conversations are more mature, and she is one amazing woman. I see a lot of Mamaw in her, just her level of compassion and kindness, and I’m sure that if you were here you’d agree. I’m not sure what I would do without her because a lot of the time it feels as though she is the only one who understand my level of grief.

I miss you so much Dad. I’m so sorry I never conveyed exactly how much you meant to me when you were here. I’m so sorry for anything that I ever did to break your heart, or to disappoint you. I wish I could go back and undo things that you warned me about, that you told me would hurt me. I wish that I could go back and ask more questions, listen to more of the stories I always thought I’d have another opportunity to hear again. I wish I had appreciated more just how hard you worked to always give us what we wanted. I wish I had not gone to work on the morning that you passed away, but I had no way of knowing when it would happen - I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I wish I had EVER, just ONCE, told you in the last year of your life, “You’re my best friend.”

There are so many years left of my life that at times it seems daunting. I want many, many more years as Jacob’s Mommy, and as mother to whatever children may come next - but I also wish to see you again so very badly. Jacob will know who Papaw was, that much I promise. I often sooth him by standing in front of our hallway of pictures and it always amazes me that your face is the one his eyes are glued on - so I tell him stories.

Please just always know that I love you, I miss you, and I think of you each and everyday of my life. I know your happy, and in a much better place, but we sure do wish that you were here.

Your Loving Daughter,
“Sissy”

Breathing? Check ..

2010-07-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive though I have fallen off of the blogging radar for awhile (both this blog and my cooking blog). We're moving again - actually I worked 12-9 today while hubby and his buddy did all of the heavy lifting. Boy am I a lucky girl! I am hoping that we don't move again until we have built our own home in Mississippi. In fact, I'm already printing out house plans but I suppose first I should finish saving for the lot.

Saving is going well and we are now completely debt free but for our cards. That is our new task - getting our car paid off because I will get my Mom's Montero when she gets her new car and we will sell my Sonata.

Jacob is growing so fast I don't know what to do! We really want another baby and were planning on attempting to try when Jacob turned one but now I'm wondering if we should wait until we move. This little three mile move was hard enough - I can't imagine moving across country with two little ones.

Life feels like it is coming together. My son is healthy and happy, my marriage is more stable than it has been since the day we said "I Do" and I'm content - life feels like it's coming together.

4 Month CheckUp

2010-06-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

Jacob had his 4 month check-up today so I took the day off from work. When he had his shots at 2 months he cried for about 45 minutes afterwards and I couldn't imagine going to work knowing that my baby boy was upset. Sooooo, of course this time he cried for 45 seconds, stopped, buried his head in my neck, and was fine.

He is in the 90th percentile for his height and weight at 16 lbs 13 ounces and
26 1/4" long. Of course now Momma is worried he's headed towards being overweight. There's always something to worry about isn't there? Overall, he's a healthy boy and is reaching his milestones. No teeth but he's rolling over, constantly grabbing and playing with his feet, reaching out and grabbing for things he wants etc. I can't imagine life without him and hubby and I decided today that when we go to Mississippi for my birthday in March we'll start trying for his brother or sister!

Been Awhile

2010-06-22T17:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Jake's 4 month check-up and I am nervous. I remember how much he screamed and cried last time and it just broke my heart when he got shots. Now, it's that time again.

I've been really busy since I went back to work, started school for the summer semester, and now we're moving again. It's still a small place but the space is more open in the living area's which means we can entertain again. It also has a large back deck so summer should be wonderful with Brian's new grill.

I've been shopping like a mad woman. It's so nice when you get older (granted I haven't been married as long as some of you who have had homes set up for longer) because when I go shopping I enjoy it. Granted I'm spending more, but I know that the furniture is good quality and is going to last us 10+ years. This Sunday I'm going antiquing while Brian is at work and I am so excited! It's funny that I am 5 years younger than my husband and yet I am the one that wants the more "grown up" furniture while he would still be comfortable living with Walmart assembled plastic ware :0)

I purchased this piece today and when it arrives I need to get it framed and matted. The new house has a bar directly across from the entrance with a cutout window and I wanted something to hang inside of it that drew your eye. I've loved this photographer for years but could never afford a piece - thank heavens for sales!

Next up - a high boy dresser for Jacob's room and something that will fit into our bedroom closet to serve as a dresser because the piece I've had since I was a teenager is to wide - and I'm sick of looking at green & black marble pattern! I'd also like to buy a small secretary if possible so I have a place to do my homework. Here's hoping I find some great deals!

Too Cool For School ....

2010-06-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

t's hope he's not REALLY a "future rock n roll legend" like the TShirt says. Of course, then he could support Momma .... hmmmmm.

Back to the Grind

2010-05-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first day back at work. It was so hard to leave Jacob that first morning but at least Brian being home on leave made it easier. I have a month to adjust to that before I have to leave him in a daycare.

One option we are tossing around is Brian's sister watching him two days a week so that he doesn't need to go to daycare. Paying her $30 a day would actually save us about $15 a day and he would have one on one attention in our own home. I just don't know how I'd deal with leaving him in a daycare .. but I suppose I'd survive right because how many Mom's a year are forced to make that decision?

I've also decided to go back to school this summer semester. I'm REALLY excited - wish I'd never stopped years ago but like so many young people I decided I'd rather be working and bringing home money. I LOVE school and honestly, I could be a lifelong student just taking a course a semester in an area of interest. My husband doesn't really approve of my return to school, because I have a good job he believes that a degree is pointless. As I pointed out to him just because I have a job doesn't mean I couldn't get a better one and in this economy who knows what could happen with my job. Even if I stay where I am, sometimes you just have to do things that you know will make you feel better about yourself even if you end up not putting them to use.

Mother's Intuition?

2010-04-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

So on April 15th (Thursday) we took Jacob to the Doctor because he wasn't feeling well. He weighed 12 lbs 1 oz - ok no problem. On the 20th (Tuesday) we went back for his 2 month appt. and he weighed 12 lbs 12 ounces - 11 ounces in 5 days! I asked the Dr. about it and she said as long as it wasn't a regular occurance it was no problem, probably just a growth spurt.

Of course we don't have a baby scale at home but I think I'm going to buy one (any suggestions for brand or store?). However, last night weighing him on our scale (weighing myself without him first, and then while holding him) he weighed 14 lbs and 2 ounces. This morning he weighs 15 lbs even.

I spoke to a nurse friend and she told me not to worry all babies grow at their own place - but this seems WAY to fast to me. That's almost 3 lbs in 2 weeks. He eats a 5 ounce bottle every 3-4 hours - so about 6 feedings a day or 30 ounces daily. He is on generic Walmart formula with rice starch because he spit up most of each meal before we switched to that.

He's also grown 1/2 inch in the week since his 2 month appointment. I realize I'm probably just freaking out for nothing but it's scary - I just feel like something is wrong .... Everyone tells me I'm over-reacting and I don't want to be one of those freak out at everything first time Moms .. but something in my gut just doesn't feel right.

I'm going to buy the scale and track his weight for awhile to see if this continues. That will be more accurate than me stepping on the scale without him, and then with him and figuring out his weight that way. Maybe if it continues, and I have those stats with me, the Doctor will take me a little more seriously.

Hairy Situation

2010-04-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

Next time you think YOUR having a bad day, think again ....

2 Months

2010-04-22T19:18:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it's already been two months. Time really is flying by. In a few weeks I'll be going back to work and I'm already dreading leaving him at home. I'm hoping that Brian's extension of leave will be approved so that I will at least feel a little bit better leaving him behind each morning.

He had his shots and screamed and cried (me also) - and is still very fussy and crying 2 days later. Not as bad but I hate it when I can't seem to console him. He's running a low grade fever on and off and Tylenol seems to be the savior. Any advice from you veteran Mommies?

He is in the 80% for his height and weight and 60% for his head circumference. He also rolled over, from his tummy to his back, for the first time while in the Doctor's office - I cried again. It's flying by so fast - I need another one!

Dedication

2010-04-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

We met with the Pastor on Tuesday night regarding Jacob's church dedication. We've scheduled it for June 6th. I'm a little nervous at seeing my Mother In Law's face when she walks into my tiny, one room, country Baptist church (she's Catholic and the church in Santa Rosa is huge). Oh well, that's not the point right?

One lovely thing about belonging to a small church is the people. They are having a potluck afterwards so that they can meet our family and feed them before they have to drive back to wherever they came from. I've also ordered the cake - can't wait to be able to post pictures!

Weigh In

2010-04-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

At yesterday's weigh in I had lost 2.8 lbs for the week. That makes the total for my 2 weeks on program 7 lbs - time to update my ticker! I'm going to a Brooks and Dunn concert on the 24th of the month and I'd like to lose another 5 lbs by then. Here goes nothing ....

I'm Sane, I Swear

2010-04-07T20:31:00.000-07:00

If you will please remember this post from July of last year:

"All this on the tale end of my husband telling me no, he is not driving me 30 minutes for the fair opening on Wednesday night to get me a corn dog and a frozen banana *sigh*. Instead of getting angry at him I'll be mad at you all for living in a place with the hamburger I want :0) Nessa .... I'll expect one in your purse in August! "

I was just rereading that post and my Husband now thinks I am insane. I suddenly yelled out "Yayyyy!"

"What?" Brian asked me (he's accustomed to my wierdness).

"It's almost time for the FAIR! OMG .. frozen bananas! Yay!"
"Honey, your on Weight Watchers, you don't need a frozen banana."

Grrrr .. leave it to the man to rain on my parade! Weigh in tomorrow!

Jake's First Easter

2010-04-04T22:44:00.001-07:00

Today was Jake's first Easter - I must be a bad Mom because at 6 weeks I took the cheap way out and didn't buy the Easter basket that I knew he wouldn't even notice. Brian stepped onto the scale with him this evening - 12 lbs! I still can't believe that. There must be a mistake somewhere!

New Blog

2010-04-03T22:45:00.001-07:00

I have added an additional blog to my account. I thought about the decision for a long time - I often post recipe's here I know and I thought that perhaps I would just post each one here. However after certain friends and family members asked about my blog idea I realized I'd written a lot of private, personal and emotional stuff here and I didn't really want everyone I knew to have access to it (especially certain things written about my marriage when it first began).

Sooo .. I will still have this blog and post here regularly but I will also have another blog dedicated to cooking and new recipe's I try. Feel free to add it because I'd love feedback as it goes along!

http://tararathbun-mommacooks.blogspot.com/

Life Happens

2010-03-31T13:57:00.000-07:00

I've cooked several times this week and it made me feel good about myself - I guess I felt that I was actually being PRODUCTIVE! Not that I dit on my bum all day - I'm constantly busy with Jacob .. but I end the day wondering what did I do? Oh yeah, cook, laundry, diapers, clean, feed, diapers, organize his gifts and closet, feed, diapers .... you get the idea.

Last night I made tortellini with pancetta and peas - it was great. The only adjustment I will make next time is more cream because I like more sauce than the recipe created.

I've so enjoyed cooking that I'm disappointed I only get to make a turkey for Thanksgiving. I may have to correct that - we'll just have extra food!

Something else odd happened this week. I ran into an ex on Facebook - my ex Ryan from Montana whom I haven't spoken to in four and a half years (we broke up in 2001 but after a year of not speaking became very close.) He is married now and has two children (I'd posted previously about his daughter being diagnosed with cancer). We talked a little bit via messages about his family and how his daughter was doing well but his son was diagnosed with autism in November. I filled him in on my family and in general it was a nice conversation.

This man was once my best friend .. not only when we were together but also when we had split. Obviously I cared greatly for him because I moved to Montana to be with him .. but I digress. We are both now married, both now have families and I thought that would take off the tension of "what if" or "should we get back together". I was correct and I really think our friendship could be even better without that always hanging over our heads. It felt so nice to talk with one of the friends who knows me better than anyone on the Earth.

After we messaged I thought about it and sent him a friend request. Another of his ex's, Maggie, is one of my best friends and when I told her he was online also sent him one. She was accepted and mine still says awaiting confirmation ( I don't know if that means he ignored it or if it would say that even if he declined me.) I have to be honest and say that really hurt my feelings. Then it made me angry. Not because he ignored it, he has that right, but it made me angry that after all of this time he could still upset me. I guess we all have someone like that in our lives but it sure is irritating. Ouch.

Give Me Some Sugar ...

2010-03-27T10:52:00.000-07:00

Now that Jacob is sleeping a little more I've got time to do what I wanted to do on maternity leave. My Father-In-Law got me Bon Appetit for my birthday .. probably because he was tired of me coming over and asking if I could rip out pages :0) They own a catering business so he loves to look and there are always magazined around the house.

Today I made these for the dinner we're having at their home tonight and then for tomorrow's Sunday dinner at my Grandma's (which will be my first big meal while on leave with all new recipes.) For now:

White Chocolate Dipped Strawberries with Citrus Sugar

2 tablespoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon finely grated orange peel
1/2 teaspoon finely grated lemon peel
6 ounces high-quality white chocolate (such as Lindt or Perugina), chopped
16 large ripe strawberries

Line baking sheet with foil. Using fingertips, mix sugar and citrus peels in small bowl until sugar is moist. Stir chocolate in small bowl set over saucepan of barely simmering water until melted and smooth. Remove from over water.
Holding 1 strawberry by stem end, dip 2/3 of berry into chocolate; shake

excess back into bowl. Turn berry dipped end up and sprinkle with citrus sugar. Place on prepared sheet. Repeat with remaining berries, chocolate, and sugar. Chill until chocolate sets, about 30 minutes.

One dipped strawberry contains the following:

Calories (kcal) 74.78
%Calories from Fat 46.1
Fat (g) 3.83
Saturated Fat (g) 2.25
Cholesterol (mg) 2.25
Carbohydrates (g) 9.66
Dietary Fiber (g) 0.55
Total Sugars (g) 8.88
Net Carbs (g) 9.11
Protein (g) 0.93

That's 2 Weight Watchers Points per Strawberry.

New Changes

2010-03-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

We are finally getting into some semblance of a routine here in the Hooven household. Jacob still isn't sleeping thru the night but it seems like he catches onto the day I reach the point of almost losing my mind - that night he will sleep 4-5 hours straight. Smart boy :0)

I took him to my Weight Watchers meeting yesterday - I finally got up and went. I gained 5 pounds back and I wanted to stop that before it became 15 or 50. So, to keep myself accountable, I am announcing that I want to lose 50 lbs here on my blog. I'm not pushing myself to do it quickly - I want to lose it before I go to Vegas. The date for that trip is anticipated to be January 18, 2011. I'm sure I will lose it before that time but giving myself the extra weeks just in case will keep me focused and also not push me to lose the unhealthy way.

I'm going to find out how to put some sort of ticker on the site to always remind me how far I have to go. So .. here goes nothing!

Week 3

2010-03-15T09:45:00.001-07:00

Proof that people are never happy .... I was actually disappointed yesterday morning because I didn't hit my 50 lbs lost mark for Jacob's 3 week birthday. Crazy! It's just that the first 46 fell off so fast! As of yesterday morning I'm at 48.8 lost.

I attend my first Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow. I've been doing the online program already. I can't wait!

Changes

2010-03-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

I went to a meeting on Tuesday at work because our regional manager was coming in to announce some major changes. I already knew what the changes were as my boss had notified me since I'm management but it killed me not to be able to let those who work with me know what was going on.

Essentially what is going on is the bank is walking away from our set of properties (there are 5 that were purchased together) and foreclosure begins on April 1st. When our company purchased the 5 properties (they own about 28 total) they were worth $60 million and now they are appraised closer to $35 million. With the economy being what it is we've had a hard time with cash flow and this has become the end result.

We will all keep our jobs at the moment because the company that will be running us while we are again up for sale has agreed to rehire everyone. However, if our property sells before I return from leave (or after), the new company can do whatever they want. I'm fairly certain they will rehire all of the line staff because they need someone to run the hotel. Management however will be more likely to be let go and it's possible that the company will want to bring in their own people. So I may, or may not, be jobless soon. We could sell in a week or it could take a year - everything is up in the air right now.

My career has always meant a lot to me - I've worked really hard to work my way up from Front Desk agent to Operations Manager over the last 10 years. It's funny that in only 3 weeks Motherhood has changed me. The fact is that if I was let go I wouldn't really be all that upset. I'd get to stay home with Jacob while he was really young and I'd still have income because I'd get unemployment. With all of the debt I paid off with our tax refund we would be ok for awhile (until we needed to move out of our smaller place and pay more than out $1100 rent somewhere else). Six months ago I'd be freaked and would not in anyway want to be home everyday - now I'm already going back to work in the middle of May. Honestly, half of me is almost wishing I'd get laid off - the only reason I'd dread that is because then I'd have to start over at a new place, learn a new system etc. I never thought I'd hear myself say that!

Happy Birthday to Us!

2010-03-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

Today my baby boy turned 2 weeks old. It's already amazing the changes in him in this short time - I can't believe I've already been home with him for 2 weeks. Wow, maternity leave is just flying by (more on that when I can post confidental information on Tuesday). He's more alert, he's up for longer periods of time (sadly usually in the night hours and not the daylight ones!), and we are all learning each other more.

I still can't believe that I'm a Mom to be honest! And tomorrow I'm an OLD Mom .. I turn 30! Blah! A great gift to myself, on accident actually, is that as of this morning I weigh 15 lbs LESS than I did on the day I learned I was pregnant. I haven't done it on purpose - I knew that the water weight, and some of the stuff I was carrying around internally because I was pregnant would go away on it's own - the rest it just falling off though. I think it's because A. - I had a pretty good case of "baby blues" that made me not want to eat much and B. - I am just to busy to eat. I seriously go thru the day and realize at 7pm oh gosh, I forgot to eat today!

Jacob still isn't sleeping through the night and with Brian working graveyards that means it's all on me. I'm pretty sure that's why I've had the flu for the last 4 days .. my body is running on empty! Now .. to make sure I don't get the baby sick!

Welcome to the World!

2010-03-01T09:36:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago a friend of mine blogged about how easy her labor was. Epidural, nap, push, done. I remember thinking to myself - wow I wish this wasn't my first baby so maybe my labor will go that easy and smooth. I knew as a first time Mom the chances were slim to none that it would go quickly!

Jacob Robert Ransom Hooven arrived on Sunday Feb. 21, 2010 at 10:15am. He was 8 lbs and 4 ounces and was 20 1/2 inches long. He has a full head of hair and is so much more perfect and sweet than I could have ever imagined!

Around 12:00am Friday night/Saturday morning I began having what I now know were light early labor contractions. It just didn't feel like labor to me though because it was just like menstrual cramps. I just couldn't believe that this was what all the "fuss" was about - basically they didn't seem painful enough to me so I doubted it was labor. That went on all day until they were around 7 minutes apart. Then they ceased all together. I was a little bit upset :0)

I told my husband that I was going to bed around 11:00pm and finally dozed off. Around 12:30am I felt something like a "pop" and within a few moments I was having very hard contractions that were 5 minutes apart. Hubby and I showered and I decided I wanted to go to the hospital. As much as I didn't want to get sent home as a first time Mom who had overreacted and run to the hospital, I also didn't want to have the baby at home. We left for the hospital at 1:15am and by the time we arrived my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart. They checked me, verified that I was in labor and that I was 4cm dialated.

Around 3:30 or 4:00am I got my epidural and dozed off for a small nap. I began to push at about 9:55am and Jacob joined the world at 10:15am. The midwife couldn't believe that it was my first baby - she had prepped me upon arrival that I would probably dialate 1cm an hour and then as a first time Mom push for 1-2 hours. I pushed through 9 contractions (about 12-14 pushes total she said) and he was here. We spent the night in the hospital and were home by 11am Monday.

I am so thrilled that my insurance denied my C-Section now. I know that my healing time would have been longer and a large reason I wanted one was because I was so afraid of labor. With the epidural it wasn't bad at all but I must admit .. I don't know how women do without it! I know they have for thousands of years but wow!

Everyday is an adventure - I'm learning so much about Mommyhood. Jacob really is a good baby, sleeps well, doesn't cry a lot, and is a joy to be around. Now if Mommy can just get her postpartum emotions under control we'll be set to go :0)

Wine Pairing Dinner at Syrah

2010-02-12T16:09:00.000-08:00

Brian and I got a wonderful Christmas present from my boss this year. There is a restaurant that I have wanted to try in Railroad Square for years but we just never managed to budget for it. It is called Syrah Bistro (syrahbistro.com) and I had always heard that it was amazing.

Our gift was dinner at Syrah. Not just any dinner though - a 5 course dinner, paired with DaVero wines and olive oil, for 6 of us (my boss Brad and his wife Robin, my Director of Sales Max and his wife Venus, and Brian and myself). We attended the dinner on January 24, 2009 and I've only just been able to get the pictures. It was, by far, the best meal of my life to date.

1. Course One - Josh' crab cakes with a shrimp sauce using red wine. There was a drizzle of DaVero olive oil around the plate. Paired with DaVero Sangiovese Dry Rose.

2. Course Two - Pork belly with beans and greens. The pork belly was nice and crisp and this was perfect for a rainy night. I admit when I first heard "pork belly" I cringed - but it was oh so delicious. Paired with Sangiovese.

3. Course Three - Short ribs, potatoe, carrot and pearl onion. This had a great jus and some bright basil oil. Paired with Sangrantino (not yet released).

4. Course Four - Cheese course. I couldn't explain them all because as you can see there was a nice variety.

5. Course Five - There is no picture of this but it was actually my favorite course. It was a perfect example of why some people are chefs because the average home cook would never think to pair certain things together. We had a scoop of french vanilla ice cream which was placed on a little puddle of DaVero Lemon olive oil with a pinch of sea salt. The taste of the lemon really bursted in your mouth a few seconds after you took a bite. Heaven!

I have also included a picture of Chef Josh Silvers. My new hero!

Edited to add: NO I didn't drink :0) I'm not a big wine fan anyway so I really didn't miss that aspect to much. Brian told me that he felt he learned a great deal though was we also dined with the winemaker and his wife. What a learning experience.

Family Ties That Bind

2010-01-14T10:27:00.001-08:00

The amazing thing about family is that no matter what you do they are always just that .. family. I know that not every family is like that but I've been thankful that I was raised that way. My brother has done many things over the years to make me angry, that I didn't think were right, and that I didn't agree with .. but he is still my blood and still my brother.

I've always heard the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone" but this week adjusted that bit of wisdom for me. It would be more along the lines of "you don't know how much someone means to you until you see them wronged." I won't go into details but this week something happened to my brother that I considered a very big injustice. Something that landed him in jail, something that could result in him losing his son, his stepchilden and his fiance'. Something that my Father could have just as easily landed in jail for countless times, and something that with our opinions on the subject both Brian and I could end up in jail for.

I don't have my head in the sand regarding my brother .. I know what his wrongs have been in the past. If there is one compliment which I can bestow upon him however it is that he is a wonderful Father. Not only to his own son Beau, but also to the two childen to whom he has been a stepfather to for 3+ years. He was scared enough being in jail but when I had to tell him last night that the Mother of his son was filing for full custody, for no apparant reason and while he was where he couldn't fight it, I watched his spirit visibly break. I've never seen that kind of pain come from my brother, not even when our Father died, and it broke my heart. I found myself laying awake last night because all I could see was the hurt that was etched into his face as he faced the possibility of losing his son.

That was all I had the heart to tell him. I left everything else out that was going on while he was away from us because I wanted him to keep some reason to go on built up inside him. Mom and I promised him that we would fight for Beau, help him fight, and that's the truth .... but sometimes just words don't help. Seeing the pain inflicted upon my brother by someone who claimed to care about him and love him brought out the Motherly instinct in me, despite the fact that he is not my child.

I've felt so fiercely protective of him the last few days that I've wanted to reach out and physically harm anyone that I thought was out do to things not in his best interest. Those who were passing the blame onto him even though they were just as at fault and well aware of what was going on, if not in this instance then surely in the past. Those who covered their own ass and as he tried to dig himself out of this hole did nothing but grab and throw shovel after shovel full of dirt onto him.

I know if my Father were alive he would be beyond livid. Not only because he would think that Justin being arrested was wrong, but he would be angry that Justin was not concerned with taking care of himself and instead worried about a woman. I've always known that I loved my brother simply because he is my brother. I realized how much these last few days as I watched what was going on around him.

Angry as he may make me at times we are still blood and I would fight for him to the death. The same goes for his precious little son, my nephew Beau, who is also my blood. In times of struggle the family ties that bind do not weaken, they simply knot tighter and bring you together to protect the weakest in the pack. A family protects its own no matter the monetary or emotional cost. A family fights for each other until there is no fight left in the last remaining member. A family comes together and does not give up .. that is why we will fight.

Baby Ticker

2010-01-02T14:31:00.000-08:00

I forgot to check my ticker this week (it changes each Sunday). Brian and I have been sitting here all day looking at my feet - I've had them up most of the day and yesterday but it isn't helping. There is almost no line between my upper foot and my toes - my ankles are non existant. My husband told me this morning I look like I have elephantitis - nice huh? :0)

So I get on to check my ticker and it says, "Thanks to the joys of water retention mommy is probably bemoaning her newly found "cankles."

Ummmm, yeah. Can't wait to see what tomorrow says.

2009-12-23T13:41:00.000-08:00

How far along? 32 Weeks & 3 Days

Total weight gain/loss: Same as it was before - I weigh exactly the same as I did the day I found out I was prego. BUT I did lose 10 lbs from morning sickness that I've gained back.

Maternity clothes? I think that maternity pants are a true gift from God - I wish I could wear them the rest of my life. Soooo comfy. Still wearing my normal tops.

Sleep: Not so great - The last 2 weeks I can't sleep on my back as I like to because then I can't breathe. I've taken to sleeping on my back but propped up with 2-3 pillows.

Best moment this week: Dr. telling me that she thinks Jacob won't be a BIG baby - he'll be average or on the smaller side of the scale (but still healthy).

Movement: A whole lot...

Food cravings: Milk and sweets.

Gender: It's a BOY!

Labor Signs: Nada - though I wish if he could come now, healthy, he'd come - it would get me out of doing end of year paperwork while the boss is on vacation hehe!

Belly Button in or out? In - looks the same as always.

Stretchmarks? No more than before pregnancy LOL

What I am looking forward to: Maternity Leave! Sleeping on my back! Being able to breathe!

Weekly Wisdom: ? I'm far to young to be wise :0)

Milestones: I'm offically uncomfortable and feel like I'm carrying the weight of a bowling ball in my lower stomach - does that count?

Dating and Teenagers .. Er, I Mean Parents

2009-12-17T20:37:00.000-08:00

I met a gentleman friend of my Mother's on Tuesday night. This is someone that she is interested in dating and seems to like and he drove up from San Jose (about 2 hours from us) to meet her, Nonnie, and the rest of the family. He seems to be a very nice man, he is a retired police officer who has been a widow for a little over a year. He is currently raising his two grandchildren as his daughter and her husband passed away two months before his wife did and they had decided to obtain custody. If nothing else I feel that in itself speaks very highly of his character. Also important to me, he is a Christian.

It was a little bit odd meeting someone who is interested in my Mother. I felt like a parent meeting their teenagers first date. To be quite honest it does sting a little bit to think of my Mother dating - but that doesn't mean I am not supportive of it. I realize that my Father would want my Mom to be happy - he's been gone almost two and a half years - and he would not want her to be alone for the rest of her life. I know that he told her he wanted her to attempt to move on with someone else when she felt she was ready and I'm sure when faced with his own mortality that wasn't an easy conversation to have. It's one thing to say that to someone when your 35, full of life, healthy and in the middle of a hypothetical conversation - it's quite another when you realize you may be gone within weeks.

I told someone I work with today that it was also interesting to see what he would look like. Obviously I wasn't around when my Mother was younger and dated. The only "type" I'd ever seen that she had was my Father. Dad was tall, thin but not lanky, and had a great sense of humor. I'm not sure how tall Larry is because he was sitting the whole time, but he is slightly chubby and chunkier than Dad, gray hair and a goatee. It was just interesting to see what else my Mom may find attractive.

I know that it will be a process of acceptance and it's harder when you can't sit and talk with your best friend (in my case my Mother) because the issue involves them. I know that my Mom would understand what I was trying to say but I don't ever want her to hesitate at trying to live her life because of the effect it may have on her children. I know my Brother and I both feel the same because we've discussed it -we both want her to move on and be happy - but it still kind of hurts to think of Mom with someone else. One benefit to our ages is that at least we're old enough that if someone hurts my Mom I can voice my opinion to them and then proceed to kick their bottom :0)

Speaking of my brother - Beau is growing fast. He's now 4 months old.

Brian and I got our Christmas present from my boss today. An invitation to dinner at his home hosted by he and his wife at their home. Also invited are my Director of Sales and his wife. I've waited for this invitation for almost 3 years. It read:
>"Please join Brad and Robin as their guests for dinner on Sunday, January 24th at 6:00pm. The evening will feature a special menu prepared at Syrah Restaurant and paired with DeVero Farms and Winery Wines."em>

I love my husband. However, he has at times made me raise my eyebrows in a very nice restaurant at his etiquette or the way he holds his fork etc. etc. As excited as I am about this invitation I'm just as nervous. This is my boss, and my career. When I told my husband about the invitation and told him Brad was doing wine pairings he made me cringe when he asked if it would be rude for him to bring a 6 pack of beer.

Oh well, I've got a month to approach the subject of how, on this one evening, I need him to fake his way through a very nice dinner. That's a hard subject to bring up without being offending - what's funny is his parents are caterers and one would think that he would know these things. Sip, don't chug wine. This fork is for that salad. Don't hold your fork like your going to reenact Psycho. Don't make a pig of yourself .. I'll take you to Jack In The Box later. :0)

Blessing or Curse

2009-12-13T05:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think to myself that God played a cruel joke by making the girl who NEVER cries pregnant. Now I have no choice but to let it out when my body gets the best of me and my emotions run rampant. Hence my husband waking up at 4:30am this morning to find me blubbering like a fool, crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Sometimes I dream about my Dad but lately they are more vivid (like all of my dreams). This morning I had a dream where myself, Brian and Mom were at Stonewall Baptist Church and for some reason Dad stood up to speak to the congregation about wishing the local high school luck at their basketball game that afternoon. I hadn't even realized that he was there because he wasn't sitting with us and he was up in the front pew. That's hilarious because A - Dad would never make a speech like that at church and B - Dad wasn't a huge basketball fan. Anyway, dreams are dreams right? In this dream though he just seemed SO very real. His voice was as clear as a bell, his mannerisms were right, everything was like he was still alive.

At the end of the dream he put his arm around me, gave me a little hug and handed me his leather coat. I laughed and asked why he wanted me to carry it for him when he could wear it and he replied, "I don't need a leather coat in Heaven, Sissy - I'm dead remember?" I realize how silly it sounds but I woke up and remembered that he was passed - and after almost 2 1/2 years of him being passed it seemed fresh again. Just because for a moment in my dream it had been like he was back and the whole thing had been a bad dream.

I thought that it was getting better and the urge to cry or the sense of loss had eased the last several months. Now, Mom is about to start dating again (as of this next week) and I find myself thinking of Dad more and more. I want my Mother to be happy, and I'm well aware that my Father would want the same thing. He would want her to meet someone who treats her well and wouldn't want her alone for the rest of her life, but I must admit that it stings a little bit when I think of it. I know in time that will ease but for the moment I have a hard time with it (especially since I can't talk about it with my best friend - my Mom - without feeling like I'm laying a guilt trip on her).

On that note perhaps I will be able to sleep again if I go try. Here's hoping the dreams stay away.

It's Me Again ..

2009-12-04T17:28:00.000-08:00

I've been working a lot, moving, doing many things that kept me from updated. Ok, let's face it I've just been lazy. I haven't had a lot to write about but that never really stopped me before.

Brian and I have officially moved and are loving the new place, small though it is. This weekend we should be done unpacking boxes and I can start decorating Jacob's room as I want to - I'm so excited.

We've been sticking to our (ok, MY) Dave Ramsey plan for the last few months and it feels like we are finally getting our feet under us financially. I know that Brian really feels like I've got a noose around his neck but I want things to go smoothly when Jacob arrives and when my pay takes a drastic cut from maternity leave. This morning he got a call regarding a check we have been waiting for from his Worker's Comp. company - basically they cut him a check based on what percentage his Dr. says he will be permenantly disabled due to his injury. 4% was the number the doctor gave.

4% = about $2,350. MERRY CHRISTMAS! That money will do many things for us:

1. Pay both his registration and my registration which are late and I have been struggling to get caught up on.
2. Pay off 3 debts entirely and have us 100% caught up on all other bills.
3. Start a savings/college fund account for Jacob before he is even born (this was a big priority for me but I just didn't see how I was going to be able to make it happen).
4. Still give Brian $500 for Christmas shopping (dare I say I might get a good gift this year? hehe)

I've already finished my Christmas shopping other than his grill on layaway. I feel such a load off of my shoulders and I feel so at ease. It was also nice that when I got out of the shower this morning Brian had already figured out what could be paid, remembered that I wanted Jacob to have a college fund, and rather than just BLOW the money had made some mature decisions. It seems like all of my budgeting talk may be seeping in despite what I previously though!

It's Been Awhile ....

2009-11-11T16:45:00.001-08:00

It has been awhile since I updated and I really don't have a good excuse. Life happened. The following is what has been going on:

1. We're moving .. again. The 37 stairs up into the house and the complete lack of insolation freezing me out at night got to me in the later months of pregnancy. We're moving into a new place a few miles down the road. I'm a little sad because I won't be as close to Mom, I can't run across the street at night when Brian is at work and I get lonley. Still, it should be good.

We are actually moving into a trailer (insert trailer trash jokes here) but I'm excited. It's amall but it's soooo light! White walls everywhere! A babies room I can decorate! I can hardly contain myself!

2. I had a great trip to Mississippi. I didn't want to come home at all (this seemed to offend some of my in laws) but it's a fact. Since Dad died, and now that I am going to be a Mom, I find myself wanting to be around extended family more. I want Jacob to know his Southern roots and where he comes from.

3. Yes, I said Jacob above. His name has changed again :0) Back to the original choice actually .. Brian hated Luke.

4. Half of my office is down with the swine flu. I had my H1N1 shot yesterday at my appointment and am also now on Tamiflu to prevent me from catching it before the vaccine becomes effective.

5. I had a hurtful comment left on my blog today by someone I don't know. It was meant to be deliberatley hurtful so of course I didn't post it, nor did I respond. It reminded me of several friends who blog commenting in the past on people who left those types of comments .. it disappointed me in myself that I knew this person was doing this to get a rise out of me .. but I still let it hurt my feelings.

6. I've really missed blogging! I'll try to be more on it!

Fed Up and Stressed Out

2009-10-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

I got a call at work yesterday from my Mom, who had gotten a call from our landlord (her best friend), letting her know that he got a notice saying the water company was going to shut off our water. Now, typically I pay the bills (I took them over several months ago) but before I left on vacation I left him money to pay the water bill. No problem right?

Wrong - he didn't pay it. I'm not a stupid girl though and I began to think - wait. He said that bill was due the 15th - they wouldn't turn us off for being 9 days late. Nor would they completely bypass us in that short time and contact the property owner. So I begin to do some research - our last payment made was JULY 23rd! I was FURIOUS! All these months he's been telling me that he's paying the water bill out of his 2nd, cash under the table job, and he hasn't paid it since July (when I went in and paid with a check).

I'm just so frustrated - I began to cry at work because I'm hormonal anyway and this just added to it. I don't want to live a life of disconnect notices and bill collectors - I'm not that type of person and I can't deal with the stress. If we didn't HAVE the money it would be different but we do - I budget out each paycheck to the cent. Things have been better since I took over the finances several months ago but it hurts to realize I can't trust me spouse to pay even one bill.

Sorry to vent here - I do try to keep marital issues out of my blogs but sometimes if you don't vent you explode - and I don't want to hold in stress that I just can't deal with anymore and do anything that may hurt Baby Luke. I'm so glad I just got a week of stress free, relaxing in Mississippi - because if I hadn't I don't know what I would have done hearing that news. It makes me feel like a loser - and it's even more irritating that my hubby isn't at all embarassed by the situation (our landlord getting that notice and having to contact us) and the lack of payment.

Random Thoughts

2009-10-24T10:23:00.001-07:00

1. Tomorrow I am officially 6 months pregnant. 24 weeks. It’s a bit of a relief because at that point, were something to happen, Baby Luke would have a chance at survival. As of this morning I've only gained 1.4 lbs - let's hope THAT trend continues LOL

2. The holidays are coming and I am SO excited! November 7th is our annual Mom/Daughter/DeeDee trip to Vacaville Outlets to Christmas shop before the rush. It’s nice because this is the FIRST year I’ve managed to budget ahead and sock away money for the trip.

3. Brian and I are looking at moving again and I’m not looking forward to it. The more pregnant I get though, the harder those 37 stairs up to the house get. I’m also wondering if something in the house (mold, etc.) is making me sick – I didn’t get sick once in MS and this morning, after my first night back in the house, I was sick again.

4. We’re also looking at moving because Brian found 2 brown recluse spiders while I was gone. That really, really worries me with the baby coming. I’m scared to death of spiders but I’ve dealt with it – but a poisonous one like that biting the baby is a HUGE worry.

5. I planned on relaxing and reading a lot, writing and journaling on vacation – it didn’t happen. I’m so, so glad that I got to go home and spend some time with family but I was EXHAUSTED when I came back. There was so much running around and visiting to do - but I loved ever minute!

6. When someone on vacation didn’t remember my name, but recognized me enough to ask me, “Ain’t you Stan’s girl?” – I remembered again why I loved my small Southern town. I love being around people with 40+ years of memories of my Father that don't mind taking the time to tell me about them.

7. I’ve started looking at preschool’s – just because I want to be prepared. I’d really like Luke to go to a Christian school but we’re going to research several, see what we can afford of those, and go from there. It feels crazy to me that I’m 6 months pregnant and already researching schools.

8. I was glad to get back to work and after my first day returning I realized what a great boss I have. My in-box was empty, everything was filed with notes letting me know what I had to follow up on, and it made my day relaxed. How nice it only took a year and a half to “train” him to do the same things I already do for him when he’s on vacation hehe!

9. As much as I love the cheap flights via Southwest I hate that they don’t show movies, even on a 4+ hour flight, and if I had forgotten my book I would have stared at the seat in front of me for 4 hours.

10. Next trip to Mississippi is next October for Stonewall Day, Enterprise Civil War Day and Dad’s birthday. I REALLY wish Luke wasn’t being born in winter – I realized this morning I’d have 3 months off and I could drive to MS for a week or so and not worry about him screaming on a flight for 5 hours. However, winter = snow and Tara doesn’t cope well with snow and driving :0)

Recipe of the Month - Cordon Bleu Appetizers

2009-10-17T15:02:00.001-07:00

I thought that these might be fitting with the holidays coming up and people having parties that they need to bring an appetizer to. They are WONDERFUL - I just love making them. The one suggestion that I would make would be to leave the cream cheese and the grated swiss cheese out for awhile so that they soften before mixing together - it blends easier.

4 ounces cream cheese, softened
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
1 cup (4 ounces) shredded Swiss cheese
3/4 cup diced fully cooked ham
1/2 cup minced chives, divided
18 -24 slices French baguette (1/2 inch thick)

Directions

In a small bowl, beat cream cheese and mustard until smooth. Stir in the Swiss cheese, ham and 1/4 cup chives. Spread 1 tablespoon mixture over each bread slice; place on an ungreased baking sheet.

Bake at 350° for 12-14 minutes or until lightly browned. (Just keep an eye on them - sometimes it takes slightly longer for the cheese to melt.)

Two Missions Accomplished!

2009-10-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

Today, two missions were accomplished. One, I got to go Long's Fish Camp which is a must when I am home. All you can eat catfish, hush puppies, fries and cole slaw. Yum-o! It's so good and this is the place that my cousin Kim shipped me the coleslaw from. We went to celebrate my Dad's 61st birthday, which was today, and also went to visit the cemetary and place flowers on his grave. Happy Birthday Daddy - we all love and miss you!

Second, we finally found some Ole Miss baby clothes. This has been a real chore even though I am in Mississippi at the moment. I thought for certain before I arrived that this stuff would be all over the place but I was mistaken! Now I have a oneside with built in feetsies (since Luke will be born in winter) a sunshade for the car and a TShirt (one will be for my nephew Beau).

My Aunt also took me to Gymboree where they are having their 60% off fall sale - wow! Of course I bought some more clothes and Auntie got both Beau and Luke an outfit (matching and sooo cute!) Ohhh, me being a Mommy with a debit card is a bad mix!

It cooled off dramatically here today and tomorrow night I am cooking for the family. Chicken Stew with Rosemary dumplings and I think I'm also going to make my mini-cordon bleu appetizers for a little something extra. I can't wait .. I LOVE to cook! Yesterday Auntie showed me how to make red velvet cake and I made my first - I REALLY don't want to go home!

New Change

2009-10-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

So little man has a name change - when Brian saw that Jacob was the #1 name for 2008 (and now that I've done research I know for many years prior) he began to sway from liking it. That eventually changed my mind also.

Sooooo, my son's name will now be Luke Robert Ransom Hooven. I'm pleased - it's a simple, strong name and I love it. In the end we had to draw out of a hat like we did with the girl's name because we had narrowed it down as much as we were going to. Hey, whatever works!

Caer Package from Twin

2009-10-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

I got my first box of boy items today - it's official. No frilly little girl clothes. I'm thrilled that Twin sent me this though because it let me know there ARE cute boy clothes. As pictured she sent me 2 little outfits (baseball and dino's), mittens, socks, Desitin, nail clippers and a window shield to block the sun from his face in the car.

Thank you Twin - I love ya!

It's A Boy!

2009-10-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

20 Week Survey
How far along? 20 weeks, 4 days
Total weight gain/loss: Depends on how you look at it. I say I’ve gained 2 lbs but before that I lost 10 …. So I’m still down 8 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight.
Maternity clothes? A top or two but only because they are comfy .. they aren’t needed yet. Still in my jeans and normal work slacks.
Sleep: Love it! Can’t get enough but can’t sleep in to late because once dinner burns completely off and my tummy is empty I wake up nauseous.
Best moment this week: Finding out it’s a boy and beginning to feel the little kicks internally.
Movement: See above.
Food cravings: They vary .. and once I throw something up the craving never returns. Hence no hamburgers for the last 3 months and now I’m off Jimmy Dean sausages for breakfast.
LOVING Milk!
Gender: BOY!!!
Labor Signs: No thank you.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Being able to walk up the 37 stairs into my house unwinded!
What I am looking forward to: Tuesday’s Dr. appt but I’m rather afraid to talk to my Dr. about a scheduled C Section.
Weekly Wisdom: That HUNCH you have where your so, so, so, 100% sure you know your carrying a girl .. it’s a lie :0)
Milestones: Nothing really – but I’m halfway done!

We've gone back to not being sure about the name. Ugh! More updates later.

How I Aim To Irritate You Even Before Your Born ....

2009-09-26T08:56:00.001-07:00

The journal that I purchased to write to Little One has finally arrived! It's so neat to write in it and actually feel like I am talking to my Baby before they arrive. I realize I should just SPEAK but truth be told I feel like a fool when I do that. Even when I "talk" to my Dad it's only in my head, except in my deepest moments of grief or longing for advice. The other advantage to this of course is that one day, years down the line when he or she is older, my child will be able to look back and see how I felt while pregnant. It could also be a wonderful gift and insight should, God forbid, something ever happen to me before my child is old enough to really "know" me.

I've also started reading to the baby. I couldn't find a book I really wanted to read each night for the next 5 months off of the Border's shelf. I refuse to read See Spot Run for the next 120+ nights no matter how much I love this little one already. I began reading the Bible outloud on Wednesday night and I believe that will be our nightly reading time together. I realize the baby will remember nothing about this at birth but hey .. it's never to early to start right?

One of my main goals and jobs as a parent is to ensure that I instill the strong Christian values that I was raised with. Because my husband doesn't have a strong belief system, (he was raised Catholic but never really went to church), I feel it's my job to lead my child down the right path. This is a start and it won't hurt me to do a little reading either. I've never sat and read the Bible from start to finish so this is a good experience for me also. How can I claim to be an avid reader if I haven't read the best selling book of all time?

Feeding Your Grief

2009-09-23T18:20:00.001-07:00

Today I heard that a family member of someone close to me had passed away. Ironically I was at that same time reading a chapter in my book "Queen of the Turtle Derby and Other Southern Phenomena" regarding how Southerners deal with death. We feed you.

I didn't remember this much because I moved away from my Mississippi hometown when I was 9. However, when my Dad died I quickly learned just how true this sterotype is. Food arrived at my Aunt Carole's home before we even arrived to feed her household and everyone who was visiting from out of town for the funeral (my Mother, myself and my brother, my fiance' and brother's ex fiance, friends of mine from high school who grew up with Dad almost as a second Father, and cousins from Texas and Michigan).

I thought that was the extend of it - I was amazed at the amount of food as it was. Two days later I heard my Aunt Carole telling my Mother that the church ladies had spoken with her inquiring about how many people we were expecting at the funeral itself. They were planning to have food in the church hall for after the funeral so that everyone could get out of the heat, talk etc. etc. Again they fed over 50 people - I don't remeber the exact count but I believe it was closer to about 80.

My fiance' Brian had never seen anything like this and was amazed. He told me later that was when he finally understood exactly why I loved my hometown and what I meant when I said that people genuinely care about others. His eyes almost popped out of his head when he walked into the church hall and saw the 6' tables laid out with everything from fried chicken, macarani and cheese, fresh vegetables, side dishes and desserts. He'd never seen anything like it - but it's how we show support to a family who needs it at the time.

I'm not sure if that's normal or if it's wierd - but I do know that it is appreciated. At least where I come from ....

Family

2009-09-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

I'm loving my little newphew Beau more and more. He's getting cuter as he turns less red (LOL) and you can see his features a little more. He looks a lot like my brother did as a baby in my opinion but with dark hair and dark eyes. So precious (and BOY can he cry!)

Dear Little One ....

2009-09-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

I think I felt you move for the first time last night! I finally ordered the journal that I swore I was going to keep during my pregnancy but was afraid to purchase in case something happened. Yay!

New Daddys Learning Steps

2009-09-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

This was an actual conversation between my brother Justin and his fiance' Phelena.

J: Whoa. Is it just me or did you see something moving there by the baby? Is my eye twitching?"
(The baby was between them at the dinner table in a bouncy chair on the floor).

P: No, it's the babies chair.

J: So it is moving?

P: Yes, it's moving.

J: Why? Did he fart?

P: Ummm .. no it's SUPPOSED to vibrate to calm him.

J: Ohhhh.

I was laughing so hard I almost cried. Did he fart? Yes Justin, your 3 week old son is passing gas so long and hard it's set his chair to bouncing. Ha Ha!

Family

2009-08-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

Family is always a joy, but at times it can be a worry also. Sometimes parents, or Grandparents in this case, can meddle in things there they dont' belong. It's hard to get angry because you know they are only doing it because they love you, and they worry - but sometimes you get angry anyway just because they do things that you will have to pick up the pieces from.

I'm in one of those situations right now. Actually it's something that my Grandmother was GOING to do but she told me about it, saw how angry I got, and has sinced changed her mind. I know it's because she and my Mother love me so much, worry about me and are protective of me .. but at the moment I'm caught in the middle of an ongoing family war. At times I just want to say, "Hey, I've got to live with this man .. could you please try to not make it worse?"

Who Says You Can't Go Home Again?

2009-08-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

Brian and I have put an offer in on a house in my hometown of Stonewall, MS. The offer has been accepted by the owner. The house is right next door to the house that I grew up in, on the same street I grew up on and I know the house well because growing up my best friend Kristi Crane lived there.

Now, we begin the financing process and I'm scared. I realize it's backwards to have the offer accepted and THEN move forward to see if you can get financing. The thing is the house was on the market 3 years ago and I was interested and then Dad got sick. She took the house off of the market shortly after but told me recently that if she got a good offer she would still sell. Without the house being listed though it made it hard to know how much we needed to try and get financing for .. make sense?

Anyway, she accepted the offer knowing that it was contingent on us obtaining financing. I'm scared because when Brian was out of work our credit took a hit. We have 20% down so that should help - in fact we could have even more down if need be .. but with the economy the way it is right now I'm still scared we'll be denied. Prayers would be appreciated.

We wouldn't move right away - we'd rent it out. But at least it would feel like a step towards going home.

Wicked - Orpheum Theatre San Francisco

2009-08-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to see Wicked the Musical at the Orpheum in downtown San Francisco. At first I didn't want to go with my friend because it was the 2nd anniversary of Dad's death. Then I decided that it would be good to get out of the house on that day and keep my mind off of it.

The musical was AMAZING! We were in the 4th row so our view was very, very close3 (which is good considering I lost my glasses 3-4 months ago). I really want to go back but with tickets at $115 a piece I don't see that happening anytime soon. Maybe I'll pick up the soundtrack?

Below is a link to watch a little trailer of some of the songs with most of the same cast that we saw (not Elphaba - the Wicked Witch - but the blonde girl singing Popular is the same). I haven't seen a musical or opera since Phantom of the Opera in high school - I think this will be another new expensive "special occasion" like of mine. Heck, I'd settle for once a year!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YN7evQITJCk

Beau Rowdy Robert Rathbun

2009-08-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

My nephew, and brother's first son, Beau Rowdy Robert Rathbun was born yesterday.
9 lbs 1.2 ounces and 21 inches long. He's so cute and has a full head of hair! The pics just don't do his cuteness justice!

Apparantly his older brother Skylar, 3, thought that Mommy's big tummy WAS actually Beau. When he walked into the hospital room and saw the baby his face scrunched up like he was going to cry and he said That's not Beau! When Phelena explained, "Yes it is Skylar. This is your little brother." He got a look of awe on his face and said, "But .. he looks really different!"

He got over it pretty fast. By the time the kids had to go home he kissed Beau's forehead and asked his Mom, while pointing to Beau, "Is this ours to keep?"

Not Quite Such A Peanut Now

2009-08-14T13:44:00.000-07:00

4 more months!

2009-08-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

I realize this is CRAZY. Today is August 4th (Happy 60th birthday Mom!) and I am sitting at work and thinking .... I can't wait until Christmas!

I love decorating, I love a nice big tree, I love the bite in the air when you step outside and can see your breathe in the evening, the smell of the fireplaces burning to keep everyone inside warm, and the general good cheer in the air. I don't know why I thought of this in August - but I can't wait!

Banana Bread from Twin

2009-07-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

The box has arrived! Banana Nut bread fresh from Missouri and a baby toy! Love you Twin!

I'm So Thankful ....

2009-07-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

I realize this is coming out of nowhere but I had to post it. I feel like I am almost always complaining about something on my blog and I hate for people to feel that I am an unhappy person in general. I hold a lot back because I don't want this blog to become my marriage counselor but perhaps I do share to much at times. This time I share something good and I wanted to take a moment to thank God for what I do have and what I am so thankful for at this moment.

My pregnancy hormones must be getting the best of me. Last night I had a conversation with my friend Nacole aka Twin about banana nut bread. I'm not much of a baker and I didn't have a recipe for it. She just sent me a text message telling me that she baked and there is a fresh loaf in the mail for me. I burst into tears.

I am so thankful for my friends and my family. There are many things in my life at the moment that I feel could be bettter - my friends and family are not one of them. From my Cousin Kim Fed Exing me Long's Fish Camp cole slaw to Nacole sending me banana nut bread I am so blessed.I am the most spoiled pregnant woman on the planet when it comes to my friends and family. Last week I cried when my husband said "This baby isn't #1. I am #1 because I need to worry about myself first." Today I was reminded that I don't need to get upset by things like that because my baby and I will be fine no matter what happen.

I now, and he or she later, will always have a wonderful support base and a fabulous family. Thank you all that have been here for me, listened to me cry, offered advice and offered a shoulder to cry on. Even with the hardships I've experienced lately God has made sure it is not to much for me, and provided me with a wonderful support system to help me through. The little one and I are so thankful that words can't express how much.

Boy or Girl?

2009-07-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

Obviously with me only being 11 weeks we still don't know what the baby will be. I can't wait to find out. We have decided on names though -I'm so impatient to find out! (Sorry for the format .. I can't seem to hit enter to make a new line!) Boy: Jacob Robert Ransom (Jacob I love, Robert after my Papaw and Dad, Ransom is odd but different .. I found it when doing my family tree and it appears to be my Great- Great Grandpa.) Girl: Dakota Rose (I've always wanted a girl named Dakota, Rose is a family tradition for the first female's middle name).

The Climb

2009-07-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

I cried on the way home last night. I'm sure it was pregnancy hormones but I was missing my Dad so much, all I really wanted was a hug from him and for him to tell me that everything was going to be ok. My Mom and I are close, I talk to her about a lot, but sometimes you just want what you can't have - in this case my other parent occasionally. I cried so hard that it was almost as though he had died yesterday - I actually had to pull the car over because I was so emotional.
I sat, and I cried and sometime during that little emotional outburst I heard myself say, "I don't know what to do Daddy. I'm so scared. I wish you were here to tell me what to do." The song on the radio ended and George Strait came on. I didn't even notice until I heard the following lyrics come through:
"Let me tell you a secret about a father's love,
A secret that my daddy said was just between us,
You see, daddies don't just love their children every now and then,
It's a love without end, Amen." I guess that I got my answer from him. Even if he's not here to physically hug me, he's still watching over me. I love you "Diddy."

MySpace and Michael

2009-07-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

I hopped online at work today only to see, after almost two years offline, a status update on myspace from my best friend Mike. It said, "Yup, I'm finally back online." This is the same best friend that hasn't spoken to me since the week of my wedding when he let me know he couldn't be a groomsman.

I know I should give up but it hurts me to accept that this friendship, my best friend since I was 16, may be over. Without him online I could say to myself, maybe he didn't get my text because he changed his cell number. He's never been one to write letters so I wasn't suprised when he didn't answer my letter sending him wedding pictures.

Now, if I send him an IM and I get no answer I have MY answer. It's always amazing that sometimes people would rather just give no explaination, and hurt someone that has cared about them for years, than just say A,B,&C are why I don't want to continue this friendship. Even with him being a complete JERK this last year .. I still miss my best friend.

Update: Sent him a message and got an answer. Been living with a girl and her 2 kids for a year and she left him on July 4th. Thinking said girl is the reason he didn't make it to the wedding. We'll see how this transpires as far as friendship repair.

Home

2009-07-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

The wonderful thing about the internet today is that you can almost always find pictures of places you've been, places you miss, and places you've lived. Each time that I go home to MS I have certain places I'd love to take pictures of - I never do though mostly because I get embarassed about parking on the side of the road to snap away at homes etc.

Maybe this time I will so that I have pictures to show the little one as it grows up where Mommys home was. God willing, I won't need those pictures because we will be living there by then. I found the following pictures online today at work and they made me not quite as homesick.

"Stonewall House" .. was the Mill manager's home back in the day.

Interior of the old mill they are slowly tearing down. Makes me cry each time I visit and see even less left standing. This place employed most of the town at one time or another for many, many years .. my Grandma, Aunt, and Father included.

No idea what it is .. grist mill? Outside the Stonewall city limits.

Long's Fish Camp - Stonewall, MS (where my cole slaw came from!)

Log cabin outside of Enterprise .. my Daddy always wanted a picture of his cabin.

Ticker

2009-07-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

So apparently I'm an idiot. I added a baby countdown ticker to my blog - but I can only get it to post on the bottom of the page. Anyone know how to add a header instead of a footer?

I've Resorted Back to Puberty ....

2009-07-13T16:23:00.001-07:00

I feel like a teenager. Why do some women LOVE being pregnant so much? My face, I just discovered in the mirror at work, looks like it did when I was a teenager. Covered in little red spots. What's odd is they aren't even pimples - just red spots. I feel like I have posion oak! What in the heck is happening to my body? :0)

Pregnancy Insanity - Baby Cole.

2009-07-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

I've lost my mind and the babie's new nickname is Baby Cole. Cole because Momma is nuts and craving a certain cole slaw enough to have it overnighted from MS. I was discussing my pregnancy cravings with my Cousin Kim the other night when I mentioned that I was really, really craving Long's Fish Camp cole slaw. Now, Long's is a restaurant in my hometown that I go to each and everytime I am home. I'm going this October so that we can eat there for my Dad's 61th birthday. He loved Long's also - everyone does.

It's a really relaxed, downhome type restaurant in a cinder block building. Deer heads on the wall, sitting at picnic tables inside, relaxed family place. It's also amazingly well priced - $9.95 for all you can eat catfish, fries, hush puppies and coleslaw last time I was there. Being there just lets me know that I am home again.

The cole slaw though is INSANE. Amazingly good! Anyway, my Cousin, wonderful as she is, has just texted me to tell me that she went to Long's today and is headed to Fed Ex to overnight me some frozen cole slaw. Who knows if it will work but WOW - I'm so excited. It should be here by 10:30am tomorrow.

*The cole slaw is in the top of the picture in the bowl with the spoon - next to the cracker basket.

Whiny

2009-07-04T11:05:00.001-07:00

I feel like the whiniest person in the world. I would look at my brother's fiance' and roll my eyes when she said she couldn't get up off of the couch because she was pregnant at 16 weeks (ok, I still roll my eyes at that). Now I've become a whiner.

So far I don't enjoy being pregnant. I know I'll enjoy the outcome and being a mother but I'm so sick of throwing up and being nauseous that each time I'm hunched voer the toilet I remind myself, "Tara, you ASKED for this!" "Why did I want a baby?"

I hate being so pathetic - I've never been a whine, cry, be a sissy type of girl .. but this morning sickness has made me one. I just hope that I'm not one of the girls who has sickness the whole 9 months.

Brutally Honest

2009-06-22T19:09:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad that I'm pregnant. Not for the normal reasons, though those apply also. When my brother's fiance' Phelena told me that she was pregnant I was very happy for them. I was also jealous though - that little twinge of "I wish it was me" hit and took me a few days to shake. I felt a little bit cheated being that I was married, etc. and their pregnancy was completely unplanned. Brian and I had been trying since we got married.

When I felt that way, and when I sat with my Mom and my Grandma I cried. Literally. Not because they were pregnant but because I felt like a really evil and disgusting person because I was jealous. I felt like it was the worst thing I could be feeling and I felt very selfish.

Today I found out that my friend Vanessa is pregnant. It was soooo very nice to feel nothing but happiness for her, excitement at us being pregnant at the same time (even though we live thousands of miles apart) and just giddiness. I realize that probably sounds really stupid - but it was nice to hear about someone's good news and not feel like a bad person because of an emotion that hit me.

I'm so happy for you Nessa. I keep thinking about that Facebook quiz you took the other night saying you'll have 6 ... Twins???? Meredith .. are you next?

To: Evil Minnesota Peeps

2009-06-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

I am watching Diners, DriveIns and Dives on Food Network and I'm not liking you all very much :0) There is apparently a place in St. Paul called The Nook and they have the most amazing looking hamburgers! The cheese is inside.

All this on the tale end of my husband telling me no, he is not driving me 30 minutes for the fair opening on Wednesday night to get me a corn dog and a frozen banana *sigh*. Instead of getting angry at him I'll be mad at you all for living in a place with the hamburger I want :0) Nessa .... I'll expect one in your purse in August!

Pregnancy

2009-06-18T20:13:00.001-07:00

This pregnancy has only been known to me for 5 days and it's already driving me nuts. Every twinge, every nausea wave etc., scares me. I'm just so afraid that something is going to happen to this baby before I get out of the first trimester. I'm sure it's part of being a first time Mom to be but it sure is nerve wracking.

I Have A Secret....

2009-06-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

.... which isn't a secret anymore because I told the hubby today.

Soft Hearted

2009-06-12T19:04:00.000-07:00

I'm getting soft hearted in my old age. I think it's more that I am getting soft hearted since my Dad passed away. I think about him when he was sick, and how sometimes towards the end he just irritated me to no end - but I loved him anyway and I would have wanted someone in the outside world to help him if he needed it.

An old man came into the hotel today and as it turns out Amtrak had changed the time of his bus without notifying him. His ticket said 5:55pm but the bus left at 4:10pm. This was the beginning of a cross country trip for him (Seattle, Vancouver, Niagra Falls etc.) and not a great start. I called Amtrak for him and after listening to this tall, lanky, but frail old man (ok - probably 70's) explain to them how this was their fault they told him to take a cab to Martinez (1.5 hours away) and to call them when he returned about reimbursment. That meant he had to pay the $170-$195 to get to the train in Martinez. WHAT A START TO A VACATION! I know that I always have my vacations budgeted etc and that would be a big blow on the first day I left.

I booked the cab for him and he waited in the lobby. Most of this time I was on the verge of tears, as I am now just thinking about it (how pathetic), and I started thinking of my Dad when he was sick. I would want someone to help him if he was confused, or had a problem he wasn't sure what to do about, or if he felt scared or helpless.

So I packed the old man 2 of my fresh baked cookies, got him a bottle of water for the ride to Martinez, and a bag of chips out of the market. Not much but I told him it was a snack to tide him over on the road. I really hope that he got there ok and the rest of his vacation is a good one.

Note to God: If your hearing my prayers as I write this post please make sure that he gets where he needs to go safely, that he is returned home safely and without additional hardship, and that somehow he gets back whatever you see fit as reimbursment for his troubles.

Dirty Rice

2009-06-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

I have a dilema. It is my week to cook Sunday dinner. I really want to do something Southern and I also really want to try dirty rice. I was going to do fried chicken and butter beans but I feel wierd serving chicken with a rice that has meat in it. I'm posting the recipe so come on girls .. tell me if I can serve fried chicken with this dish! (I suppose I could remove ALL ofthe meat but I'm afraid it wouldn't taste the same - I am removing the pork).

Dirty Rice

1 Tbl bacon fat (or canola oil)

2 oz ground beef

2 oz ground pork

1 /2 cup diced onion

1 /4 cup diced celery

1 /4 cup diced bell pepper

2 tsp minced garlic

1 bay leaves

1 Tbl poultry seasoning

1 tsp dry mustard

1 cup rice

2 cups pork stock, hot

Heat the bacon fat in a 1-quart sauce pot over high heat. Add the ground beef and pork and brown. Stir in the vegetables and garlic and continue to cook 5-6 minutes. Stir in the seasoning and rice and cook until the rice is thoroughly heated. Stir in the pork stock and reduce heat to low. Cover the sauce pot and cook 18 minutes.Yield: 3 cups

Mesa Burger

2009-06-09T17:34:00.000-07:00

Mesa Burger with Cheddar Cheese, Grilled Viladia Onion and Horseradish Mustard with Southwestern fries

I was thinking about this today so I'll post a picture that I found online. This is what I had when we ate lunch at Bobby Flay's - I think it was one of the best hamburgers I've ever had. What's odd about that is I don't like onions and I don't like horseradish. I ate them because I figured the chef made the burger that way because they knew what flavors meshed well together - glad I did!

Dreams

2009-06-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when you have a bad dream? The worst dreams are the ones that you have and you awaken and can not shake the sadness, or anger, or other mixed feelings you had while asleep. I had the strangest dream last night - even after awakening several times in the evening I would return to the same dream where I left off when I fell asleep again.

I was in prison. I don't remember exactly who I had killed but I know that was the reason I was in jail. Everyone hated me with a passion - inmates, guards, people from the outside world. When I checked into the jail the person who logs your personal possesions stole the magnolia necklace that I wear which was made with a diamond from my Father's ring. I was so terrified and I had no idea how I was going to make it through 15 years of everyone despising me.

The jail counselor gave me 2 little pamphlets similar to the Watchtower books the Jehoviah's Witness' bring to my work each weekend. One was on food safety and how to work in a kitchen as that would be my prison job. The other was on holding together and strengthening your marriage while incarcerated. I threw it away.

It wasn't even the being in jail that was upsetting - though I admit I was frightened. It was that whatever I had done I was infamous and every person I came into contact with hated me with such vigor. I awoke and felt that same way for hours - alone.

A Change Is Gonna Come

2009-06-07T14:58:00.000-07:00

This picture is symbolic of my brain at the moment. Thinking, Churning, Deciding. A big change is coming up in my life - I'm not certain when, or how yet ..all I know is what and why. I can't even say that I am trying to make a decision because the truth is, after Vegas, my mind is finally made up. Now I just have to figure out how and when it will be done - more later.

Cook for Me!

2009-06-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

Standing at work on my first day back after vacation. It's been a really hectic morning full of fun details like a fire alarm and a desk agent thinking it was ok to text me at 11:00 last night to tell me the 7:00am girl wouldn't be in and I needed to come in early.

Thank heavens I woke up about 5:45am and glanced at my cell phone. I'm OLD - I go to bed early! I was really tempted to roll over and go back to bed just to teach him a lesson about the accuracy of texting work issues but that wouldn't have been very kind of me.

Standing here, smelling the smells coming out of our kitchen while the breakfast is open and for some reason I smell butter beans. It reminds me of being at my aunts house in MS when she cooks while I'm there. Amazing Southern foods, including lima beans. I'm so, so ready for my next vacation in October - home to MS, family, friends and all of my yummy favorites.

Las Vegas

2009-06-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

So we're in Las Vegas. I've never been here before and it has amazed me how far some of these casino's take their "theme." My favorites are the Venetian and Paris - both have the inside set with building facade's etc so that you actually feel as though you are walking through the city. The Venetian even has a little river flowing through it where you can catch a gondola ride. Here are some quick pics of the Venetian and the outside of Paris at night.

Southern Manners

2009-05-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

I was reading back posts from the A Southern Life blog (http://www.asouthernlife.com/) I like to read and found this next one on Southern Manners so true - so I'm stealing it. The one that really got me to start thinking was #15:

The Rules

1. “Sir” and “Ma’am” are not just for occasional usage.
2. Men hold doors for women/ seniors.
3. If someone else needs a seat, you give them your seat, and you don’t complain.
4. “Being a good Samaritan” is not just a saying, its an understood way of life.
5. “Darling”, “Sweetheart”, “Honey”, and “Dear” are used, for the most part, as endearing expressions.
6. You can dislike someone as much as you want, but when you see them you act cordially.
7. When you bump into someone you say “pardon” or “excuse me.”
8. Waving at people you don’t know or asking how they’re doing is not to be looked down upon.
9. You can take time to slow down. Slower paced lives are happier lives.
10. Say “God bless you” when someone sneezes.
11. When in doubt, be as polite as possible. Only confront others when confronted.
12. People hug one another, its OK.
13. If you disagree with something, be polite. “Oh….I see,” or “Oh…thats nice, Darlin” will suffice. 14. Saying grace at the table, even to yourself, should not be looked upon with disdain.
15. The only place where cars still stop (even on the highway) for funerals.
16. ALL people have the ability to behave like Southerners, though not necessarily recreate the accent.

When my Daddy died and we took him home to Stonewall, MS to be buried I remember being shocked after his funeral service when we left the funeral home to head to the cemetary. It blew my mind that they stopped traffic in town for us to all pull out, and that the entire 9 miles from Quitman to the Stonewall Cemetary people pulled over when they saw the hearse coming.

Seeing those cars pull off to the side of the road made me proud to be Southern again. Even more importantly it filled my heart with pride that my Father was getting one last show of respect. People just don't do that anymore! Why not? Are we really all so busy that we can't take the time to give someone one last moment of respect? That we can't take one moment to make a little gesture to acknowledge to those greiving that we understand what they are going through? Are we really THAT busy folks?

A Happy for Tara

2009-05-20T23:00:00.001-07:00

I bought myself a "happy" today. I saw it on a blog that I read called A Southern Life (http://www.asouthernlife.com/). I actually saw the whole place settings but I knew I couldn't afford that so I called this little store in Arkansas and bought this platter.

Isn't it pretty? I have no idea what I'm going to do with it but I just had to have it! Now if I can find something to cheer me up after the American Idol results! You can view the entire table setting on the website.

Random Facts

2009-05-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

I'm bored at work so here are random facts that I was supposed to answer long ago on Myspace.

1. Post 101. This is the longest I've ever kept up a diary and/or blog. I'm pretty dern proud of myself.

2. I truly think that my Father is my guardian angel. After a conversation I had last week I'm sure of it and it's brought me a little bit more peace - but I still miss him everyday.

3. As discussed with my boss this week (yes, really), if I win 100,000 or more in Vegas this next week I'm coming home and putting in my 2 weeks notice. To bad the chances of this are slim because I'll probably gamble all of 1 hour in Vegas.

4. My friends mean the world to me, even those far away. 2 of my best friends live in Missouri (one is moving to Utah next week) but I still run all major decisions by them.

5. If Brian and I ever split up I might take 2+ weeks of my vacation time and go visit Catherine in Utah. I'd want to go home to MS but I know the first 2 places he would look for me would be Mississippi and then Montana.

6. 60% of why I'm still married and haven't filed for annullment is because I want a child. 80% of the reason I'm not pregnant is because I know that would be completely, utterly stupid and selfish.

7. 40% of why I'm still married is because my Father always told me that the only valid reason for divorce was adultery. No matter how unhappy I am or continue to be I can't justify in my mind walking out on vows I took before God.

8. I want to move back to MS more than anything. I miss it and the family that I have there so much but my husband told me he changed his mind about wanting to move there the week AFTER our wedding.

9. I got a new haircut and color on Monday to prep for my upcoming Vegas trip. It really made me feel like a new girl and boosted my self confidence. I love it!

10. I'd love to be a stay at home Mom one day but I'm not sure how that will ever happen with the cost of living in CA.

11. Purple is my favorite color.

12. I LOVE road trips - especially by myself when I have time to think. When I was 21 and living in Bozeman, MT I drove back and forth so many times I didn't even need a map to get there.

13. I change my mind constantly about a lot of decisions - both big and small.

14. I can't stand it when someone is mad at me. It eats away at me until I can get it resolved.

15. The first time I agreed to go out on a date with the man who is now my husband it was to make another guy jealous!

16. I'm really torn because the church I grew up in isn't what it once was. I love the little church but it doesn't feel like it's giving me what I need anymore and I hardly attend. I need to start looking for another congregation but I feel like a traitor.

17. I know where I'll be buried because the whole family bought plots in my hometown of Stonewall when my Dad passed away. I've been thinking of buying more before the town cemetary is fill in case my spouse or children want to be buried there also.

18. My brother's son's name is to be Beau Rowdy Robert Rathbun. I joke with people about how redneck it is but truthfully I find it rather cute.

19. I really want to be a happy person - I'm just not certain how to go about getting back the girl that I was when I was younger.

20. As soon as I finish getting this weight off I'm pretty sure I'm going to go back to wearing my Rockie's when I'm not at work - I loved being a hick! Now I just need my Dodge Ram back ....